Editor’s note: This article comes from our forum, written by one of our very talented assistant coaches, Brian D. It was so good that I simply had no choice but to share it here. For the original post and replies, go here: http://www.thesocialforums.com/showthread.php?2382-Our-Perception-Our-Reality&p=18410#post18410

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What is reality?

I spent the majority of college hooking up with girls whose names I never remembered, then latched onto a girlfriend whose daily existence and point of views pissed me off to the point where I once verbally assualted her for a half hour (come on’ she had $100 to her name and spent $50 of it on iTunes because she said it was the “mature thing to do”). Think about how messed up that is (both of our actions actually). I had so much social anxiety that I spent my days sleeping, working out, and getting so drunk that I wouldn’t remember if I got rejected. Then I wasted two years of my life with a girl who drove me crazy almost every night. I put up with all of this crap simply so I didn’t have to go out and subject myself to the humiliating fact that I had become an unmotivated coward who forgot how to say hi to a girl.

I blamed this on everything from becoming more mature than my peers (sounds like a crock of shit to me) to the absurd idea that I never fully fit in with the Long Island crowd at Binghamton University (note that it could have been any culture different to what I grew up around). What I’ve come to realize is that I made most of my friends in High School through sports. Once I lost my identity as an athlete, I lost the feeling of being accepted by people. I lost my self-esteem and began forming coping mechanisms that caused my views of others around me to be rather negative.

When I first grew tired of this lifestyle, I looked for ways to fix the most easily identifiable and repairable flaw in my personality. After a bit of soul searching, and learning about cognitive behavior therapy, I realized that it was my negative perception of my surroundings that needed to be changed before I could move any further. Reality is simply the way we perceive our surroundings and the events that occur within it. Change the way you perceive those surroundings; change the reality you live in. This is the heart and soul of improving any aspect of life.

Albert Ellis’ ABC model explains that our feelings are based on the beliefs we form to better understand why circumstances in the surrounding world play out the way the do. E.g. Below

Activating event:

Albert walks into a cafe & everyone he is friends with leaves the table

Belief Consequence: (feelings)

Nobody likes me, ” ” wants to sit with me, loneliness, left out, depressed

Its obvious that Albert feels sad only because he believes that everyone left the table because he was coming to sit with them. This may cause him to be hostile or closed off to these people later in the day, and affect his social life in the immediate or distant future. Its obvious that if we can change his perception of the underlying reason for the event, his feelings would change. If you can dispute your outlook about the reasons an event took place, you can gain a more positive view of the world. If you can change the way you perceive your surroundings, you may also be able to change the way you interact with others in it.

Applying this

Ask yourself why you aren’t talking to more girls at a bar, asking more questions at work, raising your hand more in class, or making more comments during the ballgame with your friends. Is it because you are too concerned with protecting yourself from rejection, rather than making the most of a great situation? When we view our surroundings in a negative light, we become more worrisome of rejection and criticism and are less likely to approach strangers. With the wrong attitude about our surroundings, approach anxiety (the butterflies you get in your stomach) will handcuff your ability to socially interact with others, particularly strangers. Approach anxiety is the same feeling we used to get before we stepped up to home plate or took a big test. The only difference is that we can choose to avoid it in social settings by not approaching new people. That, of course, is the biggest problem of all. Since we avoid these situations, (basic coping mechanisms) we never get any better at handling them. We have literally conditioned ourselves to avoid the pain of rejection by isolating ourselves from strangers, thus limiting our ability to expand our circle of friends or lovers.

Lets take a look at a bar scene. Someone bumps into me as they walk by and we lock eyes as I proceed to give him the dreaded BALDO STARE (The look i’d give people when I was ready to kick ass). This is likely because I’m viewing the bar scene as an unwelcoming place where enemies are to be gained (girls are looking to reject and guys are looking to fight), rather than a place where friends are to be made. This puts me in a state of defensiveness where I seek to avoid pain rather than use the circumstances around me to attain maximum pleasure (fun) out of the night. People go out to bars to socialize, party, and meet new people. Girls go out to bars to meet guys and have fun. The majority of them aren’t there to reject you. In fact, most guys with their shit together are in higher demand then they can ever imagine. Its not a theory, its an indisputable fact. The only thing stopping us from meeting more women and making more friends is the way we choose to handle the anxiety we experience in these surroundings.

You’ll never fully rid yourself of approach anxiety (without it there’s no fun in chasing women). However, if you realize that girls are out to have fun and meet other cool people, you may just become more inclined to seek pleasure (start talking and hopefully go home with a girl, get a number, a make-out session, or just have a good time). So next time you’re in class think not about how everybody knows the answer to your question, but the fact that maybe nobody knows and you’re the only one with the balls to ask. When you’re at work don’t get pissed at your boss for giving you extra work, think about how good you must be at your job for him to trust you with something important (pending its not just busy work). When your watching the big game, ask questions. If you don’t know much about what’s going on, it will make people feel good about themselves as they show off their knowledge.

Finally and most IMPORTANTLY…when your out at a bar think about how everyone is just down to party and meet cool people, not because girls are waiting shut you down. Stop thinking so much about what you’re going to say… just say something. At the end of the day its less about what you say and more about having the balls to approach and say it. That hot girl who you think is texting her boyfriend is probably telling more girlfriends where she is and how to meet her, so man up! And if they do “reject you” (Ed note: “rejection” doesn’t really happen as a “negative” response says more about them than you), just smile, look in their eyes, and say, “It was wonderful meeting you, have a great night!” It will just make you look that much more comfortable in your own skin.

A couple of weeks ago we talked about taking action in one’s life (link to previous article) - deciding who you want to be and doing the little things necessary to be that person.

One of the pieces of feedback I received from that article was that my advice - while motivational and illuminating - was a lot easier said than done.

Of course. Isn’t that how life always is?

In fact, one of the things discussed in Fearless is how changing your actions - even in the most simple way - can sometimes be extremely difficult.

That’s because your current actions have become a habit. These habits came about because, at some point in your life, you (unconsciously) determined that certain actions would make you feel happy and safe, while others would make you feel unhappiness and maybe even pain.

So the mere thought of taking different actions in situations that subconsciously remind you of past hurt can be enough to trigger intense anxiety.

Even just being in these situations and remaining clearheaded enough to notice that your actions aren’t that effective can be as challenging as anything you’ve faced.

So of course, gathering the strength and courage to change some very cemented habits, and face the fears behind those habits, is, well… easier said than done.

Because of this sobering fact - and because helping guys make these changes is exactly what we do here at The Social Man - I want to give you a little more than a pep talk.

I want to give you two tools which - if you actually DO them - will make your growth substantially quicker and less challenging.

One of the toughest things to do when we’re working to get better at something is to stay motivated over time. Whether it’s with weight loss, finances, or confidence/attraction (3 of the most common forms of self-improvement), history is littered with those who tried… and gave up.

It can seem easy during those first few days of trying new behaviors - and then the focus starts to waver. Then the results start to suffer, and after a little while, the motivation starts to lag, and the voice in your head starts convincing you to take a day off, and before you know it your program is derailed.

So how to keep up the motivation day in and day out?

Tool 1: write out a list of why you want and keep that list handy so that you can refer to it whenever that voice starts telling you that it’d be better to stay in the same comfortable (though perhaps suffocating) place.

You see, those silly little neural pathways in your brain have formed a habit. When situation X arises, thought Y floods the brain, resulting in action Z.

Situation: Ooooh, pretty girl
Thought: “I’m not good enough”
Action: Hide behind my beer

Obviously not very helpful.

But when you write out a list of what you truly want, and refer to it when your mind starts to object, you’re creating a new path for your thoughts to jump to instead of the old one.

Let’s use an example to illustrate this:

“John” was kinda nerdy in middle school and high school, and his experiences with girls, especially girls he had a crush on, weren’t exactly the stuff of the coming-of-age movies where the geek gets the girl.

He is taught the lesson that he can save himself a good deal of pain if he holds back any feelings or signs of desire for these girls. Because of this, when he encounters a woman who he wants, he’s usually flooded with feelings of anxiety and that voice in the head that we mentioned before - “she’s busy, you would just be interrupting her, she’s too good-looking for you anyway, you don’t have the energy for it, she’ll probably slap you” - whatever his personal anti-coach says.

Normally John would retreat to the comforting arms of solitude and walk away - especially in the second week or so once his initial enthusiasm has subsided. Today, however, is different.

John pulls the note card out of his pocket; he reminds himself of the lonely nights he swore he’d put an end to, the feeling of frustration as another girl he had a crush on didn’t return the feeling, the utter hopelessness that accompanies the sense that he’d never be able to figure this out… and he swears to himself that this time will be different.

Does John succeed or fail?

Well, the majority of a woman’s (or anyone’s) reaction to you has far more to do with them than with you.

However by taking different actions - and by sheer law of numbers alone - John’s social muscles get stronger and he begins to receive positive responses more and more regularly.

Because those old, negative memories have been replaced with new, positive ones ones, now when John encounters a woman he’s attracted to his heart still starts beating faster, but instead of retreating he’s already making eye contact with her, a smile is on his face, and a “hey” is already on the tip of his tongue.

So what do you want, and how bad do you want it?

Do you want to find the love(s) of your life?

Do you want to erase any doubt that you’d be ’settling’ for whomever you end up with?

Do you want to know that if you run into a woman who takes your breath away, you’ll be able to talk to her and create attraction (provided, of course, it’s meant to be ;)?

Are you tired of feeling lonely and not content with this area of your life?

Do you want to have sexual experiences with women who turn you on? (There’s nothing wrong with that, provided you’re clear and honest with them and more importantly, yourself.)

In speaking with Christian, he told me that he profoundly, and resolutely, decided that he would date women who looked a certain way… “perfect ten model-esque women with dark hair and big eyes - basically, someone who looks like (or is!) Alessandra Ambrosio” He wanted it BAD. And he got it.

You see, one of the big self-help truisms is that “the journey is the reward.”

That’s very true -when you’re looking back on the journey.

But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it when you’re in that moment, looking at a pretty girl and wondering if you should make the approach.

So you’ve got to have the GOAL in mind. FRONT and CENTER. THAT is the thing that is going to keep you motivated, and going to push you into taking that action that you know you’ve gotta take.

Ready to get specific?

Whatever it is for you, grab a pen and paper and write it out. What do you want? Hell, what WOMAN do you want?

Got her? Good - but don’t stop there. This second tool is even more powerful:

Tool 2: The benefits of keeping a journal are no secret. If you want to accomplish anything, keeping a journal of your progress and pitfalls will enhance it - period.

Because of this, we’ve created a section of our forums specially designed to not only do this, but to also get feedback and have your questions answered by guys who are going through the exact same thing as well as some of our senior coaches. Christian & I even jump in on the fun to answer your questions from time to time.

So back on you: how bad do you want to make these changes in your life?

We’ll both know the answer within 24 hours of your reading this.

Is there a new journal in our forum listing the reasons why you want to make this happen, or not?

I can promise you that we’ll continuing doing everything in our power to make your progress as simple, efficient, and effective as possible for you.

The only question is whether or not you’ll be looking at this same screen and in the same position in your life relative to women that you were 365 days ago… or whether you decide today to take 15 minutes and set a different course for your life. There will never be a better time than right now.

It’s ultimately what we’re all trying to figure out. It’s what we
were really learning about as an English major. It’s what is
constantly in the back of our mind as we do what we have to do to
pay the bills. We even look for the answer in others - friends and
romantic counterparts. Who am I? What am I meant to be doing? - or,
for the less deterministic - am I living to my fullest potential?
And what the heck is my fullest potential, my ‘path’, if you will?

We look in a lot of different places to answer this question. As my
brilliant friend Christian Hudson highlighted, this industry
especially and our society more generally send men the message that
who they are - their very masculinity - is very much tied to their
“success” with women. “How many women have you slept with?”, “how
attractive were they?” These rules for defining one’s worth have
been instilled in us since puberty, and and anyone who’s been
around the block once or twice knows that they can learn a lot
about themselves from lots of hooking up… but lots of hooking up
doesn’t define a person.

More than once, I’ve looked to women to tell me who I was - to a
greater or lesser extent. Was I attractive, funny, sexy? If they
told me I was… then I was. Becoming aware of this certainly was a
huge leap in self-knowledge - and it also proved that as wonderful
as women are, they can’t determine who I am.

Maybe it’s clothes, food, or maybe it’s just getting caught up in
the thoughts of who we think we should be, and how our current self
falls short. We think this ideal - wherever it came from - is who
we truly are… but it’s not.

When it comes down to it, the answer to this question is actually a
simple one. It has nothing whatsoever to do with our past and
certainly nothing to do with who you want to convince other people
you are. Quite simply, it all comes down to actions in the present
moment.

Who you were before this second is in the past. People may judge you
by past actions - and sometimes, rightly so - but in this second
you can change anything you want to change. So is it the big
decisions that determine who we are? The make-or-break moments
where everything matters?

Not at all. In fact, it’s the tiniest decisions that we make every
moment of our lives, that ultimately determine the person that we
are.

How do I feel this morning? How did I sleep last night? What did I
do to ensure that I’d have a good night of sleep? Did I have a
healthy breakfast, or let that slide without thinking of the energy
drops that would come as a result? Did I meditate / take some quiet
time for myself? Did I take care of the  personal responsibilities
that I needed to take care of, or do I let them fester as anxiety
on my shoulders throughout my day? Do I get some sort of physical
activity in to alleviate stress and keep my body healthy? Do I
realize that although it’s hard to see when you’re 28, life is
short and am I therefore making the most of my days? Am I being
kind and thoughtful toward the people I know, as well as the guy at
the convenience store?

This could go on for 10 pages, and you know your own tendencies
better than I do, so fill them in. I want to shift the focus to
what I do know: the little decisions that make a big difference in
your social and dating life.

If things aren’t working, the first step is to fundamentally change
the way in which you interact with people every day, everywhere.
Everyone knows to make eye contact, but how often do you
consciously do it, especially around a member of the opposite sex
that you’re attracted to? Unless people are responding powerfully
to your overwhelming charisma I can promise you you’re not doing it
very much at all.

You could choose to do it more - or that choice might be being made
for you.

You’re in line at CVS and fate happens to toss a pretty brunette in
line right behind you. Do you say anything? Her response will
probably be the same whether you have the most charming line in the
world or you just say, “man, those tropical skittles look pretty
good right now” - or whatever the first thing that comes to your
mind is. At that moment, or similar moments in the coffee shop,
grocery store, bar, etc - it doesn’t matter what you say - as long
as you say something, with some semblance of emotion on your face
so you don’t look like Jeffrey Dahmer. You’re making the decision
to find out if you and this person were meant to have a nice
conversation and more, or not, but at least you’re deciding to act.

How often do you decide not to act? Either consciously or
unconsciously? How often do you make excuses that sound and feel
perfectly reasonable at the time, but upon closer inspection under
the cold light of the truth you realize that they’re just excuses?

This isn’t rocket science. Your self-doubt is the only thing
making it difficult.

This is about first taking the simple actions that we know will
make us the people that we want to be, instead of making excuses and
choosing to live a life that is incongruent with who we truly want
to be.  This is what my forthcoming Fearless program is about (but
more on that in a few weeks).

It really comes back to this moment - this day - and there are
plenty of actions you can take this second, from getting active on
our forums or signing up for a salsa class or committing to going
out tonight and having an AWESOME time.

So what decision are you making? The past is the past, and at this
moment the story of your life is waiting for your to write it, whether
you’re aware of  the decisions your making or not.

The only question is this: who do you want to be today… in an
hour… and right now?

I love relationships. Getting close, personal, and sexy with another human being truly is what makes the world go ’round - and not just for the euphoria and butterflies that go with them.

If anyone has ever been a part of one, regardless of seriousness, then they’re quite familiar with the facet of them that has been the inspiration for much of that euphoria and the majority of the romantic poetry that has been written over the years: the ‘honeymoon’ phase.

In that beautiful stretch of time, everything is right with the world. The air smells sweeter, birds are chirping a bit more than usual, and everything we do is enhanced in ways we never thought possible. We are in that moment, the very best person we can possibly be. It’s truly a gift, and one of the reasons why so many of us want to find love in the first place.

As with most good things in life, there’s a catch, and that beautiful symphony of emotion must come to an end. For some, the loss of this gift is too much to bear and they simply walk away. I know I spent a good part of my adult life hopping from honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase(s). For others, that thing they caught a glimpse of is so amazing that they’re remiss to let it go without a fight. For those in that category, the result is either a struggle that ends in a messy breakup, or the finding of someone we decide to spend the rest of our life with - with the vast majority of us falling into the former category, whether or not marriage is involved.

So what the hell happened?  Where did the love go?

Some individuals hypothesize that it’s at the twilight of the honeymoon phase that the ’shine’ begins to wear off of the other person and we see them as they really are, flaws and all. This supposedly triggers our doubts, and the palace of ivory begins to crumble.

I’m here to say that while that hypothesis does hold some weight, it’s really not at the heart of what happens.

To put it simply, it’s not the others person’s faults that come starkly into focus in this darkest of hours, it’s our own.

To explain my point, I’d like to begin with a little relationship/attraction meta-theory that’s been gathering steam in my brain over the past year or so.

I firmly believe that we are attracted to what we’re attracted to because that particular thing happens to be what will most directly cause us to go/grow where and how we need to at that particular point in time, and I mean that in the most Taoist of interpretations.

To use a fairly colorful example to explain this point, let’s say that at a given moment in someones life, he or she is drawn to the notion of sleeping with a bunch of people. This may be caused by some deeply rooted insecurities, or by any other number of reasons, but at that moment, that particular course of action is the best means for that individual to begin the journey that will ultimately end in overcoming whatever obstacles stand in his or way to personal realization and fulfillment.

Notice that this theory includes all things that many people could consider unhealthy or negative. While this may be the case in the short term, I believe that these actions are nevertheless the best path for a person to take. Even if it feels like you’re swimming upstream, the current is always carrying you in the right direction.

Attraction to other human being provide us the strongest and most direct path to this personal growth, and therein lies the reason why we are so crazily drawn to other people. I firmly believe that without women, men would end up wallowing in some gutter in the most depressing scenario imaginable, and vice-versa - with the mechanism through which this happens being one of the most brilliantly designed systems in the world.

You can never know who you’re going to be attracted to, and to what degree you’ll be attracted to them, but rest assured, there’s a method to that madness. Whoever that person happens to be, take comfort in the fact that you are placed on each other’s journeys to take you both where you need to go.

When it really happens - when you’re ready for it to happen - it hits you like a ton of bricks, and I’m certainly not the first to describe it in this way. As we’ve already mentioned, that honeymoon phase hits, and you are suddenly faced with a more perfect version of yourself than you ever thought possible. Your work goes extremely well, all of the other relationships in your life flourish, and you’re insanely open to anything and everything - you also may happen to notice that other members of the opposite sex can’t keep their eyes off of you.

As we’ve also mentioned though, this inevitably comes to an end and we’re now sitting face to face with that same person we were before all of this started. We are reminded, after a brief glimpse of heaven, that we’re still the same person with the same flaws that we were before love crossed our paths.

Because these two versions of ourself, the ideal and the reality, are now forced to stare each other down face to face, this point can be especially troubling. We being to feel depression-like withdrawals and other aspects of our life begin to suffer, including work and other relationships. Our openness is replaced by jealousy - and those fears and insecurities that this attraction was put in our place to overcome begin to show their ugly head.

As strange as it sounds, this is a point to celebrate. Up until now, these personal demons remained for the most part under the surface, but through this beautiful process, they are now brought to some level of light where they can actually be fought.

When faced with this situation, a person will always go in one of three directions.

1. They simply cannot bear the situation at this time, and decide to walk away. Maybe they’ll tell themselves that their other half simply wasn’t worth it or too flawed for them - and maybe they are - but they choose to wait until the next time attraction hits them over the head; a time when they’re better prepared to deal with their roadblocks through more experiences such as these.

2. They decide to continue the relationship, and use as much ‘warm fuzzies’ as they can muster to cover up the glaring issues. They’ll turn a blind eye to the unearthed feelings and hold the other person as tightly as possible with hopes that with enough “love” the shadows will eventually be banished.

Well those shadows don’t simply go away on their own, and the result of this course of action is the all too familiar pattern of love/hate that so many of today’s relationships find themselves falling into. The periodic episodes of hot and cold continue to escalate until a final blowup/breakup occurs, leaving both parties devastated in their wake.

The silver lining is that this path will ultimately lead to a good amount of personal growth after said blowup. The negative of course is that it’s often not without the cost of most of one’s mental and emotional health along the way.

3. This final path is the path is the most difficult to walk, yet is the one that leads to the greatest amount of ultimate personal growth and fulfillment.

Although it is the path of greatest resistance, some couple are actually able to use this opportunity to face their own personal demons, the ones that this attraction was meant to uncover in the first place, and constructively work through them together. This is often not accomplished without greater or lesser degrees of hardship, and it is rare that anyone can take on this type of endeavor without making some missteps along the way. It is, however the straightest and most powerful path to ultimate happiness that one can undertake.

At this point I must stress that there is no one path that is any better or worse than another. There is only what is best for a particular person at a particular time. If you know in your heart that someone is not the person to take you to the next level in a particular situation, then trying to tell yourself otherwise will only slow your pace.

So why is it again that we should even bother with all of this in the first place? Why is this natural inborn order so wonderful to begin with? The answer to these questions lies in the honeymoon phase that began our journey. The truth is that the person that you caught a fleeting glimpse of in that phase wasn’t merely a figment of your imagination. Although the vast majority of us are weighed down by not so positive experiences throughout our lives, primarily in our younger and most vulnerable years, we all have the potential inside of us to permanently become our best self, the version of our self that we were able to catch a glimpse of during the initial honeymoon phase.

That version of yourself is who you truly are, that is the you who can accomplish anything you desire - unbridled of your fears - and that is the you who can limitlessly impact the lives of everyone you encounter and the world in an exceedingly positive way.

No matter where you are and where you’ve been, take comfort in the fact that it has all happened for a very good reason. And with that, I can only hope that this article has given you a little extra nudge along the way.

I hear this one from guys all the time. Whether it be from guys I’m working with directly, or scattered in 1000’s of posts from men in every forum dedicated to figuring out how to talk to girls: “I didn’t know what to say”.

First and foremost, there are occasions when someone will say something and you’ll literally be held speechless, unable to think of a response. That’s not what I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about the two most common places I hear this, and why it’s actually another excuse guys are using to hold themselves back.

The reason why I sit down to write today, the first time in awhile, is because I’ve heard this enough to want to put down something definitive on this all too common question, to explain why this is actually another case of us defeating ourselves and not just the case where we need another line, and more importantly, how to make this problem disappear from your reality.

Let’s start with the first of the most common situations in which a guy will voice this concern:

When he’s looking to start a conversation with an unknown woman.

“Well, I would have said something to her, but I didn’t know what to say.”

Let’s reflect for a moment on why one may have this thought. First of all I’ll make an assumption. I’ll assume that a man wouldn’t worry about what to say if he didn’t worry about the consequences of saying the “wrong” thing.

There are a number of social errors that one could commit that would warrant a negative response. Generally, speaking about any sort of disease or illness upon starting a conversation will be frowned upon, and there are other examples that one could think of that would be deemed “inappropriate”.

As a side note, as I talked about in this post: http://sparksofattraction.com/?p=26 - when alcohol is involved, the reality of what is considered an “acceptable” means of starting a conversation is greatly affected.

Anyway, when you’re worried about potential negative outcomes from approaching, the possibility of saying something grossly offensive and deserving of a negative response probably isn’t even crossing your mind. This means that there’s another reason that one is fearful of the approach.

There’s a popular notion out there that a woman, because she “decides among men who she selects”, is more valuable in relation to a man. It’s easy to see why, under this perception of things, that a man would be fearful of an approach.

If a woman is looked at as this cold being of absolute judgement from which a man will derive his place in relation to other men, then, under this interpretation, I’d be pretty afraid of saying the “wrong” thing to a strange woman myself.

The thing is though this interpretation of women, while doing a great job of relating to men’s insecurities, is ignoring some very real facts about the way our world works.

As is usually the best policy, let’s start with women.

Take a walk through a bookstore, and start with the ‘Dating’ section, usually located near ‘Psychology’. What you’ll see is about 4 or 5 books written for men on how to meet more women. Immediately next to that, you have about 100 books, written for women, on how to find a freaking man. From following arcane ‘Rules’ to trying to become ‘Bitches’ for us, there’s a multi-billion dollar book industry because women are desperate for advice on meeting a guy. The field trip doesn’t even end there. Take a stroll over to the periodical section, and you’ll see another billion dollar magazine industry dedicated to the exact same thing.

Just about every night I’ve ever gone out I’ve seen droves of women, dressed to the T’s after spending hours to look that way, just trying to meet men. I’ve watched men attempt to have conversations with these women, half the time not even listening to them, many times just running through a set list of things to see, and still getting these girls to light up and be happy talking to them. And I’ve seen guys stand around and not talking to these same girls because they can’t think of anything to say.

The fact is that the barriers between the sexes are self created. Of course, sometimes, she’s the one creating those barriers; I’d highly recommend her this book: http://www.amazon.com/Turn-Your-Cablight-Dream-Months/dp/1592401783

Sometimes those barriers are situationally created. If it’s a cockfest, the high levels of testosterone stemming from frustrated male competition will probably make most of the women in there uncomfortable.

Most of the time though, especially when you hear a “I don’t know what to say”, those barriers are self inflicted.

As mentioned, we’re discounting all grossly offensive things from what you may say. You now, being a human being of some level of life experience, have a million things you can possibly say that fall in the “acceptable” category. (Especially when alcohol’s involved)

At the end of the day, we’re all just human beings. There’s probably not a thought you have had that she hasn’t thought or a feeling you’ve had - including nervousness, loneliness, awkwardness, attraction toward another human being - that she hasn’t had. All you have to do is relate on any one of those things, including, “hi, I wanted to come say hi and get to know you”. It’s probably why she came out in the first place, you just had to be the guy and say hi.

The other most common place you see this same problem popping up is when a guy does get into a great conversation with a woman, she’ll start to turn toward him with a smile and her eyes bright, he’ll find himself attracted to her, and then he’ll “just run out of things to say”.

This one has some different circumstances tied to it which make it appear different than the approach, however upon closer inspection we’ll see that it’s actually the exact same issue.

In both circumstances, you’ll receive varying degrees of signals from a woman that she’d want this type of action from you. Sometimes girls will look at you and smile, and thus strongly invite you to approach. Other times the signals won’t be as strong. Sometimes a woman will strongly indicate that she wants your interaction to be taken somewhere, other times the signal won’t be as strong.

The one characteristic of both situations is the feeling that accompanies them - it’s that same nervousness, that same anxiety. We have that feeling before we approach, and that same anxiety when we have a woman that we’re interested in looking at us and saying she wants the interaction to go somewhere. It’s in both of those situations that men reach for the same excuse : “Well, if I knew what to say, I would have done something”.

I recently gave a presentation that details how to “take the interaction somewhere” when she wants you to, and also how to recognize this so instead of spelling all out again you can watch that here: http://www.thesocialman.com/what-is-up-yo

The very important point I want to make through all of this is that the fact that these fears and barriers are a product of our mind does not make them any less real. Quite the contrary in fact, as all of our fears are a product of the mind, with some being more helpful given our current reality than others.

That nervousness, that anxiety is quite real, and it is because of it’s legitimacy it provides the ideal signal that we must take action - or reasonably decide not to.

There are good reasons to listen to fears sometimes. If I’m standing on a ledge, I’ll be afraid of the outcome of jumping off of it, and I’ll reflect on how much I like my life, and make the wise decision not to do so.

Other times, such as when we’re thinking of talking to a stranger or taking the interaction with a woman who is interested in us somewhere, or in any other part of our life, that anxiety is the signal that we now have the opportunity to break through some of those more irrational fears that are holding us back.

In fact, if a guy on a bootcamp tells me on the first night that he doesn’t have any nervousness before we hit our first bar, I’m sometimes more nervous about the progress we’ll make that night because of that.

In both of those oh so common situations where guys find themselves blaming a lack of words for why something didn’t happen, you don’t need some new knowledge to face that nervousness, you just need to face it, head on.

Whether it be approaching, escalating, or anything else in life, it’s all dealt with in the exact same way: through identifying your fears, and then looking them right in the eye and tackling them head on. The longer you wait and the more excuses you make to not do it, the harder it will be, and it still won’t ever be easy. It’s through this process, however, that we find our ultimate source of strength, our ultimate source of fulfillment.

It’s through the process of discovering that we can do anything - not a line, not a script, but just us - that will snowball into every aspect of our lives, and give us what we were really looking for in the first place.

I could have just told you never to do anything that’s motivated by fear, but sometimes it’s helpful to explain why.

Could it really be that simple?

Could the answer to all of our consistency issues be right under our noses?

Why is it that sometime’s we can light up a room, while other times members of the opposite sex turn away in disinterest?

I’ll tell you the answer right now but I’ll have to explain myself for it to sink in. The difference between really connecting with people and not - the thing that every ‘natural’ is always doing in spades but can never quite put into words - is simply speaking the universal language.

Cliché tells us that love is the universal language, however this is only partially true and and isn’t helpful for people looking for the translation - the Rosetta Stone - so to speak.

I actually have to thank an old smoking habit for helping me stumble upon it. Quite a few times in college I had the pesky habit of bumming cigarettes. In fact, I did it so much that I got really good at it. I even developed my own little method.

Despite having the best method in the world, it became clear that whether or not I got a cigarette really depended on one thing:

You can try it yourself and get front row seats to the effects. First, go up to 10 people, ask them for a cigarette, and avoid eye contact and look indifferent. Next, go up to another 10 people, ask them for a cigarette - only this time look them directly in the eye and act although you are in intense pain and that they hold the key to your freedom.

Everyone reading this who’s ever been a smoker is with me on this.

When I look into the eyes of a smoker with a look on my face that he or she can fully relate to - that I really need a cigarette - they feel that same pain as they are reminded of their own times of distress. When they feel that pain and can’t help but want to relieve it in another.

Ages before complex systems of naming and describing objects came into human existence, humans beings were still communicating. Although the vast majority of us have an incredibly firm grasp over at least one of these systems, all of the communication that matters the most happens in the same way as it has for our entire existence of our humanity.

A quick look at an on-line thesaurus gives us over 30 words for ‘angry’, however if a 300lb man has the look on his face that says he’s pissed, everyone who gets even the quickest look at him is getting out of his way.

We need language to hammer out the fine details of a business contract, however how many people would actually do business with someone they didn’t trust, who didn’t give them the feeling that they had ulterior motives?

With that in mind, here’s how you always “get your openers to stick”:

The phrase, “you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake” has been around for awhile. More recently though, the phrase has been taken to advise that one should attempt to squeeze another person’s hand as firmly as possible to show how “confident” they are.

When you greet someone, you can tell a lot about them by their handshake, or more specifically, whenever they greet you in general. The ‘firmness’ of the greeting, however, isn’t how you can tell; even though a firm handshake will often happen as a byproduct.

You can tell this by looking right at the person to see if his eyes are meeting yours and if he has a look of warmth on his face. If you approach a woman, and they look at you and your eyes aren’t meeting hers (theirs) and you don’t have a look of warmth on your face, she will get the same feeling you get when you’re working with a person that you just don’t feel right about, you just don’t trust, and you decide not to work with him.

Let me make two things clear:

If you are thinking about your ‘opener’ when you approach a woman, or maybe just feeling shy, you will not be looking into her eyes, you will not have a warm expression on your face, and she’ll get that feeling that no human likes to feel.

If you start thinking about what to say during a conversation, or question whether or not she likes you, your eyes will drift, your face will become expressionless, and she will definitely get that feeling.

Plus there’s one more important factor to consider:

Women are much better at feeling this stuff than guys, and herein lies the apparent solution, and also the new problem.

On one hand - success in communication, in being charismatic or a ‘natural’, lies in your ability to express emotion vividly on your face and in turn make others feel that emotion. Without that, we’re merely self aware computers exchanging information; and the last thing a woman wants when she goes out is to exchange information - she wants to feel.

On the other hand, it’s never that simple.

Human beings, especially women, have a keen intuition for when someone has their own self interests in mind rather than hers. It’s the same as when you can just feel that a bad salesmen has his commission in mind as he’s talking to you.

It just feels off.

It’s not just selfish thinking that can give another person that feeling, it’s thinking about anything other than the person that you’re communicating with.

And you can’t just act like you’re feeling something for this to work. Try to look happy while you’re thinking negative thoughts, it’s just weird. You actually have to feel these things yourself for them not to trip her bullshit meter.

Of course again this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Often, when we’ve been hurt in the past, we don’t put ourselves ‘out there’ as much in order to reduce the risk of additional pain. One of the ways people do this is to become more soft spoken, and to withdraw emotion from their face when they speak and “act cool”.

Most of us found out at an early age that it doesn’t really sting when someone shoots down our words, but if we put our heart into something and get rejected, then there’s a pain that can make a child cry. As an adult, we are strong enough to take this pain, but many of us fear that it will be as bad as when we were still developing psychologically.

In order to relieve this anxiety, our society has made it increasingly easier to retreat from putting yourself out there.

Email and social networking sites are amazing advancements in communications and quite incredibly make our world much smaller. The problem arises however, when we use these technologies as a form of mental crutch to avoid actual human communication.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear about studies that show that the people who are the most active on Facebook often report feeling the loneliest.

As easy as it would be, we can’t simply blame Facebook. How many people that you work with on a day to day basis do you try to connect with, and how many do you shoot a couple passing words to without strong eye contact and a warm expression on your face?

If you don’t do it as a natural habit with everyone you meet, it’ll be even more awkward to try and do it with women.

Pay attention the next time you’re out at a bar and here’s what you’ll see:

There will be some people having a good time. They’re laughing, moving around, speaking at a higher decibel than everyone else, and looking each other in the eyes with genuine emotions that they’re definitely feeling on their faces.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll have people, usually around the outskirts of the ‘fun people’, who have that look on their face that they’re not quite ‘there’, that something’s on their mind, and that it’s probably not the most positive of things.

It’s easy to identify these people, their faces are are lacking all but forced acts of emotion, they’re not moving, even if they are talking to a friend they look as though they’re not really enjoying the conversation, they’re eyes are looking down more than at their friend, maybe they’re looking at their phone - not really to communicate with an absent friend, but simply to take their mind off of the anxiety they’re feeling.

The thing is that they came to the bar for the same reason as everyone else.

They want to be the ‘fun people’. Just about every person has been there before and it’s amazing. You’re having the best time, lighting up emotionally, talking more loudly, and of course attracting more of the opposite sex than ever before - you’re “in the zone”.

The next morning though, we’re usually a bit hungover, we know we just had the most amazing time the night before; the only problem is we can’t remember how to get that back. We search high and low, trekking out to the bar night after night - both men and women - and start drinking with our fingers crossed that it’s going to happen again, maybe with some lines that we believe will do the work of getting it back for us.

The thing is, we know how to get that feeling back, we’ve simply forgotten.

When we see a baby crying or smiling, only the most emotionally checked out people cant help but feel upset or happy, respectively. When we see genuine emotion in another person, we can’t help but feel the reflection of that emotion in ourselves, and we subconsciously drawn to those who make us feel positive emotions, and repelled by people who make us feel negative emotions.

Love-hate relationships are especially dangerous because they literally tear us apart.

Now here’s the fun effect of all of this:

By looking straight into another person’s eyes with genuine emotion while focusing strongly on her emotions - unless she’s feeling an equally strong negative emotion - you will cause her to feel that emotion and  subconsciously become more drawn to you. If you don’t, she won’t. This should clear up any questions routine guys have as to why they’re having inconsistency issues. Sometime’s she’s feeling you, literally, sometimes she’s not.

Upon first developing this ancient skill, one will often feel awkward or clumsy with it, as with any other skill they would develop. With practice though, things slow down.

People will say that you give off this energy, and it’s as if you can read their mind, probably better than they can read their own.

It’s what every natural is doing without knowing it - and through this development than one can become a natural.

Because it is a skill that, like any other, takes practice; one should practice as much as possible. Start with family, friends, co-workers, people at the corner store, everyone. Soon people that have known you forever will be saying those words that we all love to hear:

“There’s something different about you”.

When you go to the bar, instead of scanning the bar for an ‘HB9′ that you can approach in 3 seconds or less, get in a circle with your friends and do what we at The Social Man affectionally call the ‘bro circle’. Whether there’s 2 or 10 of you start emoting. Remember, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, so make sure that everyone is pulling the line. Talk at a higher decibel, move around, talk with your hands, have looks of genuine expression on your faces and look each other in the eye.

The great thing about this is half the time, you forget about the bro circle and actually have fun with your friends when one of you remembers this story you forgot to tell - by acting as though you have emotion you’ll actually feel the emotion. Try smiling for a minute and not feel happy.

Then you’ll start to notice the looks.

All of the girls that are around the periphery will start emoting, themselves.

They’ll talk more loudly, move more, have more expression on their faces, and yes, start to glance in your direction. They now want you to approach them.

They probably don’t rationalize what just happened. But they felt a little hint of that feeling they all came to the bar in the first place to feel, and they’re drawn to it.

Don’t get me wrong, social skills in approaching strangers and escalating interactions are very important skills to develop, and that’s why we’ve developed ‘Say Hello’ and ‘Irresistible’, however if you’re not developing this universal skill that will allow you to powerfully communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere, then you’ll always face inconsistencies in your interactions.

Also, don’t be surprised that when, through tapping into this, you re-realize your infinite power to strongly connect with anyone, and things start going much better in every other aspect of your life.

As you begin to pay attention to everyone again, you’ll notice that the majority of us are a bit withdrawn and often appear anxious or lost. There is no better time to remind people of what we are all looking for.

Before we’re all on “2nd Life”, remind people that the answer we’re all looking for is right in front of us, and yes, don’t be surprised when you’ve loved a woman or two along the way and your friends in the community say you look like a natural.

A woman walks past you with a figure that sets off every evolutionary attraction trigger in your body. Maybe you love long legs. Maybe you love curves like Keeley Hazell. Perhaps you love petite women. Whatever is the case, this woman walks directly in your path, wearing something that perfectly compliments that particular feature that makes you heart beat faster.

Of course, you’re a guy so it’s hard not to look a little bit longer than you know you should. Every second you look, your blood rushes farther away from your brain and you find that verbal competency isn’t exactly what it was a moment ago. If you find the strength to go and talk to her you’ll be lucky to get out a “that dress looks great on you” without stuttering.

Now, if you’re fairly good looking and have a ton of confidence and she’s in the right frame of mind then this could actually work, however it’s not really giving yourself the best odds.

Instead of letting your eyes fall where they naturally want to, make a concerted effort to focus her eyes elsewhere, namely: her face. Not only does this keep more blood in your brain and make you more charming, it also gives you a number of other advantages.

For starters, as long as your body language is good there’s a good chance that she’s going to meet your eye contact. If this lasts longer than two seconds, then you know she wants you to talk to her. On the flip side, if she notices you staring at her body, she may not want you to come talk to her as much. This is because it takes a man to look her right in the eye. Avoiding eye contact while looking at her body is an easy way to tell he that you don’t deserve her, but you still think she’s hot.

Don’t get me wrong, of course you have to check out the body, but even this you can use to your advantage. When you and a woman hold eye contact keep the eye contact going as you approach. When you’re a couple steps away from her let your glance drift from her eyes to give a quick up-and-down of her body before meeting her gaze again with a smile. This takes you from some guy staring at her ass to a man who’s caught her interest and charmingly compliments her with approval after a quick glance.

Even if she doesn’t make eye contact with you, you can still gain a lot from looking at her face. You’ll be able to tell if she’s bored, happy, nervous, pre-occupied, looking for guys, or having fun; all of  which will affect how you talk to her when you approach.* Suddenly this woman isn’t some hot girl who you can’t figure out how to approach, but becomes a person with the same thoughts and insecurities that you have. This alone makes it ten times easier to empathize and connect with them.

Once again, I know it’s not the easiest thing to do, but the more you switch your focus from her body to her face, the more opportunities you’ll give yourself with some of the girls that you may have previously thought were just out of your league. Focus on this the next time you go out and you’ll find yourself talking to more of the women that you may have thought were beyond your reach the night before.

*More on this in my upcoming product