The title of this post may be a bit misleading as my favorite opener isn’t really something you say at all, but rather what we at The Social Man call a pre-opener. That is something that you do before you even strike up a conversation that will maximize your chances of having a successful one. 

It all starts out with your confidence and body language. You have to be beaming confidence, standing up straight, moving as if you’re not in any hurry at all, and possess a smirk on  your face like you know something no one else does (credit: David D). More importantly, you must strive to make eye contact with everyone you’re moving past.

Once you are  doing this consistently and naturally, you will be amazed at how many people return the contact and hold it. Now you don’t want to be creepy, so here’s what I do. If it’s a guy, give him a nod and move on (unless that’s who you’re looking to attract of course). Now, if it’s a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll do some sort of pre-opener. Some examples of these are as follows:

1. Shift from my smirk to a somewhat puzzled look. It’s the look you get on your face when you either recognize the person from somewhere but can’t remember where or the look you have when you wonder why someone’s staring at you. I then simply walk up to her  while holding this look and say either, “wait, where do we know each other from?”, or “I’m sorry, you looked exactly like a friend of mine”, or “do we know each other?”. Then conversation starts as normal.

2. If I’m in a playful mood I’ll shift from my smirk to a scowl, like I’m playfully mad at her. 9 times out of 10 she’ll return that scowl. I’ll respond with a laugh and go talk to her as she’s won me over with her fun playfulness.  

3. Really the possibilities are endless. You can mouth “I love you” with a laugh, give her a wink and a point, or stick your tongue out. Get creative, have fun with it and you’ll see some great responses which will make it hard for you not to start a conversation.

If I could only survive on one opener for the rest of my life this would be the one. As long as your vibe and energy are on it’s easy.

The authors of honeyandlance.com (I’ll let you guess their names) came up with the great idea of organizing a blogger roundtable to discuss what men and women can do to make themselves as attractive as possible and have asked me for my opinion on the matter.

One thing I wouldn’t be surprised of in the least is if some of the same points of advice are made by more than one of us. If this happens, then you know it’s good info and is worth implementing into your life asap. I’ll keep this post updated with the other bloggers’ work on the issue so we can all have the most comprehensive look at the question possible. 

 So without further adu:  

For the guys:

1. Don’t take your looks lightly. Not every guy is born with the looks of Brad Pitt, but that really doesn’t matter. Think about all of the work women put into looking their best. That means that they notice little things about you that other guys would never notice.  Natural good looks doesn’t matter nearly as much as how you take care of yourself and maximizing what you have to work with.

2. Confidence confidence confidence.  Beating a dead horse? Yes. But only because its importance can never be written about enough. If you don’t have it yet, fake it until you have it. You can’t control how confident you are, but you can control how confident you appear. Stand up straight. Don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. Speak and move almost as if in slow motion. And eye-mother f-ing contact!!!

3. Be as interesting a person as possible. What do you do? “Oh… well I’m an engineer who tries to pick up women in his spare time”. Show me a woman who is attractive to that guy and I’ll show you desperation. Hell, would you even want to hang out with yourself? Get out there and to things that you’re interested in. Telling a woman about your recent trip to Spain or that time you bombed trying stand-up comedy is far more attractive than listing your hobbies as “drinking with friends”.

4. Presence at the bar. When you walk in a place, are you the guy who is scanning all over the bar for something fun? For interesting people? Or are you the most interesting person in the place with the most fun happening right in front of you? Stop being the creepy scanner and start making the most fun happen right in front of you. If you want to start a convo with someone, don’t walk across the place to engage them. Happen to notice them over your shoulder while you’re engaged with friends or on  your way to the bathroom.

5. Stop watching tv. Sorry if I scare some of you off with that. The thing is that television lets us put our minds on auto-pilot by feeding us entertainment. When you’re conversing with someone, you want to witty, fun, creative, and spontaneous… and watching television doesn’t exercise our brains to do any of that. Instead, read a book, go for a walk, talk to as many people as you possibly can. Just be ready when all of a sudden you’re the one keeping a girl on her toes in a conversation.

For the ladies:

First off, it’s easy for a girl to get a guy if she wants. As long as she has a pulse (sometimes not required) then she will be able to find some guy interested in her. Shit, if she’s attractive, she’ll have guys lining up.

Here’s the problem with that though. Most girls don’t want to settle for any guy that any woman can have. They want a guy who’s more of a challenge and that actually is selective to select them. Sorry to burst some of your bubbles, but if you want a guy who isn’t a douche, it’ll take a lot more than your looks. Read on:

1. As mentioned, most guys will fall for looks, but if you actually want a guy worth having, then your energy and outlook on life are 10 times more important. Don’t be one of those girls who bitches and whines all the time just because most guys will put up with it because of your beauty. Any man of value will get tired of it very quickly.

2. Be fun! Nothing attracts me more than a girl that I have an amazing time with. Another pitfall of being beautiful is that it often creates blah personalities as most guys will want to hang out with you regardless. If you want those guys, fine, but if you want more, then be exciting.

3. Confidence, confidence, confidence. This is a 2 way street. I’ve heard models talk about how they were too fat or not beautiful enough and it’s the most unattractive thing in the world. Once again, if you don’t have it, fake it until you do. Watch how you talk about yourself, in your head or aloud. I’ll take a 7 who is comfortable with herself over a 9 who’s not any day

4. Be a nice person. I’m not saying that you have to run a non-profit and adopt 4 children from developing countries, but just treat people with respect and kindness. We all know those girls who talk down to other people or talk mad shit about other girls behind their back. Are you one of those girls? If so, Ms. Cleo sees douchbags in your future.

5. Give me shit. I know a girl who’s not afraid to tease me and put me in my place if need be and I absolutely love it. Act like we’ve known each other for years and it will feel like we have. This is one of the biggest things a girl can do to immediately grab my attention and make me wonder who the hell she is.

There you go. Here’s some of the other bloggers’ responses thus far. I’ll update the list as the rest of them pop out. The goal is to have them all up by Friday.

Honey’s got some great stuff that is applicable for both men and women here.

Lance follows suit with a guy’s perspective.

The Hot Alpha Female has a great unique perspective on the topic. She’s the kind of woman who would make me think about dropping the harem.

Monica over at Twenty Set started this discussion with this post for women and followed up with an equally informative post for guys here.

More to come! 

I really felt the need to tackle this topic because of all of the information out there that I consider to be misguided. As of right now, the most common solution to this phenomenon is to “freeze out” the girl. More specifically, when the girl starts to hesitate to sleep with you, you are instructed to turn cold, stop all physical contact, and do something else, possibly check your email.

This method was developed by Neil Strauss and is  so prevalent because it actually works. Now, I have more respect for Neil than probably anyone else in the pickup community and in no way mean to disrespect anything he’s ever done; mainly because I have not contributed so much to nearly as many people has he has.

Here’s the problem I find with it though: although it works, I can’t help but find it kind of creepy and just don’t feel comfortable doing it. 

So how do I handle last minute resistance? The answer is, I don’t, and if I ever encounter it I feel as though I simply didn’t do a good enough job before she got into my bed in the first place.

What you have to do is build up enough sexual tension so that when you enter your bedroom, there isn’t a question on either of your minds what will be happening.

So how do you do this? First off, don’t forget that women are sexual beings. They want to feel sexy and be swept up in a whirlwind of romance and seduction as much as any man; the thing is that because of social constructs, many women feel uncomfortable leading things there. That is why it’s your job… as a man, to make sure this happens, otherwise she’ll just have to find a man who will. Simply showing that you’re comfortable discussing sexual topics and to do so is the easiest way to accomplish this. So ask about the best sex she’s ever had or her favorite place to be kissed. Of course make sure you have enough comfort with her before you do so but don’t be scared to talk about sex. As mature human beings it’s perfectly acceptable to do, despite what some of the things you’ve been told in your life tell you.

You also have to be direct with your intentions. The “freeze out” method is a perfect example of why I tend to stay away from “indirect game” as much as possible. It almost seems like you’re tricking her to come home with you. In that case of course she’s going to resist when you’re making advances.

One of my favorite things to drop in conversations is: “I have to tell you a secret. I just had a dirty thought about you.” and then of course to tell her what said thought was until later in the conversation when I feel the need to “sex it up” again. This is just a little example but the point is that you should be making her feel sexy and desired, the way any human being wants to feel. If you don’t make sure she knows with words or otherwise then she’ll start to question what it is you really want, and the more any person has to think about something the more of a chance it will rule you out to protect their own feelings. The human mind is a crazy thing.

Now you don’t want to talk like a guy, i.e. “I want to fuck you right now”. Instead, you want to sound more subtly descriptive like a guy in some chick romance novel, i.e. “I want to rip your clothes off and kiss every inch of your body”.

Girls love to talk about sex, probably more than any other thing. If you show them you’re perfectly comfortable with the subject and not some dirty perv who never has any, then they’ll appreciate talking to you about it.

The second half of this is making it clear that you’re the one who makes the decision . The whole idea of last minute resistance carries with it the frame that she is making the decision on whether or not you are having sex. This is flawed from the very get go. 

I’ll always say something like: “You can come sleep at my place, but don’t try any funny business.” The 5 date rule is another one of my favorites. I’ll tell her “I won’t sleep with a girl until the 5th date”. You want to let her know that you have standards, that you won’t just sleep with any girl, anytime, anywhere. Shit… while you’re at it, this may be a good time to start having standards with who you sleep with. 

Back at my place, I’ll advance a little, then tell her to slow down. This usually isn’t hard since by this point she’s doing more than her fair share of advancing. You have to get it to the point where you’re trying to stop everything from happening, but you just couldn’t help it any more because there was so much sexual magic in the air. Remember, the slower the seduction the more enjoyable it is for both of you. Often a time I won’t sleep with a girl because I know it will be so much more passionate if we wait. You shouldn’t need “another lay” to validate yourself here guys.

When she’s charged full of sexual energy, she knows that your a guy who is very much attracted to her, and  who’s main goal isn’t to have sex but to create the most amazing experience for both of you,  see how many times you’ll run into any last minute resistance as she tears your clothes off. 

Let’s start with some fun openers:

First, here’s a basic one that I’ve used with some great success. I’m sure that this one or a close variant of it has been brought up before but, eh… whatever. You and your friend are discussing something and need some outside help, so of course you go to the large group of attractive girls to get it. The question, what is hotter, boxers or boxer briefs?

Certainly didn’t take a genius to some up with that and I’m not expecting anyone to be blown away. But this works for a couple reasons. First of all, you can rule out briefs altogether as most women (for the time being) aren’t really into them. Second of all, I’ve found that women are truly torn on this , and 99% of the time you will create good discussion within the group of girls on the topic… kind of like Sex in the City.

Next, I got this one from my wing and it works wonderfully for large groups of girls, usually 5 or more. He simply goes up to the group sitting at a table, kind of lean on the table without saying much, make eye contact so they that are all thinking, ‘who the hell is this guy and what is he doing here’, and then delivers, “so which one of you is getting married?” After they show a bit of confusion he continues, “with all of you girls out together I figured it must be a bachelorette party or something”. Girls laugh, open up. Simple.

Finally, the no talking opener. I was walking to the bathroom and make eye contact with an attractive blonde. I give her a pursed lip look like I’m suspicious of her, then form a slight smirk on my face. At this point she grabs me and starts making out with me right in the middle of the bar.

Now, I use the “no talking opener” to highlight a point because frankly, that’s not going to get the same results consistently, not even for me.  The point is that it really doesn’t matter what opener you use if your body language and tone of voice aren’t on par. As I’m sure most of you have heard, non-verbal communication is 93% of our communication. 93 f-ing %. That means that what you say matters little compared to how you say it.

The last point I want to make is that you have to be genuinely interested in what you’re talking about. Approaching a girl with a topic that you’re genuinely interested greatly affects your non-verbals compared to using a canned line you read on a website. The boxers/boxer briefs line was so effective because my friend and I were just discussing it so we came off as being genuinely interested in their answer. A student asked me how many days he should wait to call a girl. I told him to ask the experts and he had staggering results with the women he asked.

The vast majority of openers I use are spontaneous things that just happen to be mind at the time or something obvious that I infer about them or the environment that I want to talk about. Don’t be the guy sitting around talking about beautiful girls at the bar. Those guys never go home with those girls. Instead be the guy talking about something fun and interesting that will appeal to those women.