Could it really be that simple?

Could the answer to all of our consistency issues be right under our noses?

Why is it that sometime’s we can light up a room, while other times members of the opposite sex turn away in disinterest?

I’ll tell you the answer right now but I’ll have to explain myself for it to sink in. The difference between really connecting with people and not - the thing that every ‘natural’ is always doing in spades but can never quite put into words - is simply speaking the universal language.

Cliché tells us that love is the universal language, however this is only partially true and and isn’t helpful for people looking for the translation - the Rosetta Stone - so to speak.

I actually have to thank an old smoking habit for helping me stumble upon it. Quite a few times in college I had the pesky habit of bumming cigarettes. In fact, I did it so much that I got really good at it. I even developed my own little method.

Despite having the best method in the world, it became clear that whether or not I got a cigarette really depended on one thing:

You can try it yourself and get front row seats to the effects. First, go up to 10 people, ask them for a cigarette, and avoid eye contact and look indifferent. Next, go up to another 10 people, ask them for a cigarette - only this time look them directly in the eye and act although you are in intense pain and that they hold the key to your freedom.

Everyone reading this who’s ever been a smoker is with me on this.

When I look into the eyes of a smoker with a look on my face that he or she can fully relate to - that I really need a cigarette - they feel that same pain as they are reminded of their own times of distress. When they feel that pain and can’t help but want to relieve it in another.

Ages before complex systems of naming and describing objects came into human existence, humans beings were still communicating. Although the vast majority of us have an incredibly firm grasp over at least one of these systems, all of the communication that matters the most happens in the same way as it has for our entire existence of our humanity.

A quick look at an on-line thesaurus gives us over 30 words for ‘angry’, however if a 300lb man has the look on his face that says he’s pissed, everyone who gets even the quickest look at him is getting out of his way.

We need language to hammer out the fine details of a business contract, however how many people would actually do business with someone they didn’t trust, who didn’t give them the feeling that they had ulterior motives?

With that in mind, here’s how you always “get your openers to stick”:

The phrase, “you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake” has been around for awhile. More recently though, the phrase has been taken to advise that one should attempt to squeeze another person’s hand as firmly as possible to show how “confident” they are.

When you greet someone, you can tell a lot about them by their handshake, or more specifically, whenever they greet you in general. The ‘firmness’ of the greeting, however, isn’t how you can tell; even though a firm handshake will often happen as a byproduct.

You can tell this by looking right at the person to see if his eyes are meeting yours and if he has a look of warmth on his face. If you approach a woman, and they look at you and your eyes aren’t meeting hers (theirs) and you don’t have a look of warmth on your face, she will get the same feeling you get when you’re working with a person that you just don’t feel right about, you just don’t trust, and you decide not to work with him.

Let me make two things clear:

If you are thinking about your ‘opener’ when you approach a woman, or maybe just feeling shy, you will not be looking into her eyes, you will not have a warm expression on your face, and she’ll get that feeling that no human likes to feel.

If you start thinking about what to say during a conversation, or question whether or not she likes you, your eyes will drift, your face will become expressionless, and she will definitely get that feeling.

Plus there’s one more important factor to consider:

Women are much better at feeling this stuff than guys, and herein lies the apparent solution, and also the new problem.

On one hand - success in communication, in being charismatic or a ‘natural’, lies in your ability to express emotion vividly on your face and in turn make others feel that emotion. Without that, we’re merely self aware computers exchanging information; and the last thing a woman wants when she goes out is to exchange information - she wants to feel.

On the other hand, it’s never that simple.

Human beings, especially women, have a keen intuition for when someone has their own self interests in mind rather than hers. It’s the same as when you can just feel that a bad salesmen has his commission in mind as he’s talking to you.

It just feels off.

It’s not just selfish thinking that can give another person that feeling, it’s thinking about anything other than the person that you’re communicating with.

And you can’t just act like you’re feeling something for this to work. Try to look happy while you’re thinking negative thoughts, it’s just weird. You actually have to feel these things yourself for them not to trip her bullshit meter.

Of course again this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Often, when we’ve been hurt in the past, we don’t put ourselves ‘out there’ as much in order to reduce the risk of additional pain. One of the ways people do this is to become more soft spoken, and to withdraw emotion from their face when they speak and “act cool”.

Most of us found out at an early age that it doesn’t really sting when someone shoots down our words, but if we put our heart into something and get rejected, then there’s a pain that can make a child cry. As an adult, we are strong enough to take this pain, but many of us fear that it will be as bad as when we were still developing psychologically.

In order to relieve this anxiety, our society has made it increasingly easier to retreat from putting yourself out there.

Email and social networking sites are amazing advancements in communications and quite incredibly make our world much smaller. The problem arises however, when we use these technologies as a form of mental crutch to avoid actual human communication.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear about studies that show that the people who are the most active on Facebook often report feeling the loneliest.

As easy as it would be, we can’t simply blame Facebook. How many people that you work with on a day to day basis do you try to connect with, and how many do you shoot a couple passing words to without strong eye contact and a warm expression on your face?

If you don’t do it as a natural habit with everyone you meet, it’ll be even more awkward to try and do it with women.

Pay attention the next time you’re out at a bar and here’s what you’ll see:

There will be some people having a good time. They’re laughing, moving around, speaking at a higher decibel than everyone else, and looking each other in the eyes with genuine emotions that they’re definitely feeling on their faces.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll have people, usually around the outskirts of the ‘fun people’, who have that look on their face that they’re not quite ‘there’, that something’s on their mind, and that it’s probably not the most positive of things.

It’s easy to identify these people, their faces are are lacking all but forced acts of emotion, they’re not moving, even if they are talking to a friend they look as though they’re not really enjoying the conversation, they’re eyes are looking down more than at their friend, maybe they’re looking at their phone - not really to communicate with an absent friend, but simply to take their mind off of the anxiety they’re feeling.

The thing is that they came to the bar for the same reason as everyone else.

They want to be the ‘fun people’. Just about every person has been there before and it’s amazing. You’re having the best time, lighting up emotionally, talking more loudly, and of course attracting more of the opposite sex than ever before - you’re “in the zone”.

The next morning though, we’re usually a bit hungover, we know we just had the most amazing time the night before; the only problem is we can’t remember how to get that back. We search high and low, trekking out to the bar night after night - both men and women - and start drinking with our fingers crossed that it’s going to happen again, maybe with some lines that we believe will do the work of getting it back for us.

The thing is, we know how to get that feeling back, we’ve simply forgotten.

When we see a baby crying or smiling, only the most emotionally checked out people cant help but feel upset or happy, respectively. When we see genuine emotion in another person, we can’t help but feel the reflection of that emotion in ourselves, and we subconsciously drawn to those who make us feel positive emotions, and repelled by people who make us feel negative emotions.

Love-hate relationships are especially dangerous because they literally tear us apart.

Now here’s the fun effect of all of this:

By looking straight into another person’s eyes with genuine emotion while focusing strongly on her emotions - unless she’s feeling an equally strong negative emotion - you will cause her to feel that emotion and  subconsciously become more drawn to you. If you don’t, she won’t. This should clear up any questions routine guys have as to why they’re having inconsistency issues. Sometime’s she’s feeling you, literally, sometimes she’s not.

Upon first developing this ancient skill, one will often feel awkward or clumsy with it, as with any other skill they would develop. With practice though, things slow down.

People will say that you give off this energy, and it’s as if you can read their mind, probably better than they can read their own.

It’s what every natural is doing without knowing it - and through this development than one can become a natural.

Because it is a skill that, like any other, takes practice; one should practice as much as possible. Start with family, friends, co-workers, people at the corner store, everyone. Soon people that have known you forever will be saying those words that we all love to hear:

“There’s something different about you”.

When you go to the bar, instead of scanning the bar for an ‘HB9′ that you can approach in 3 seconds or less, get in a circle with your friends and do what we at The Social Man affectionally call the ‘bro circle’. Whether there’s 2 or 10 of you start emoting. Remember, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, so make sure that everyone is pulling the line. Talk at a higher decibel, move around, talk with your hands, have looks of genuine expression on your faces and look each other in the eye.

The great thing about this is half the time, you forget about the bro circle and actually have fun with your friends when one of you remembers this story you forgot to tell - by acting as though you have emotion you’ll actually feel the emotion. Try smiling for a minute and not feel happy.

Then you’ll start to notice the looks.

All of the girls that are around the periphery will start emoting, themselves.

They’ll talk more loudly, move more, have more expression on their faces, and yes, start to glance in your direction. They now want you to approach them.

They probably don’t rationalize what just happened. But they felt a little hint of that feeling they all came to the bar in the first place to feel, and they’re drawn to it.

Don’t get me wrong, social skills in approaching strangers and escalating interactions are very important skills to develop, and that’s why we’ve developed ‘Say Hello’ and ‘Irresistible’, however if you’re not developing this universal skill that will allow you to powerfully communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere, then you’ll always face inconsistencies in your interactions.

Also, don’t be surprised that when, through tapping into this, you re-realize your infinite power to strongly connect with anyone, and things start going much better in every other aspect of your life.

As you begin to pay attention to everyone again, you’ll notice that the majority of us are a bit withdrawn and often appear anxious or lost. There is no better time to remind people of what we are all looking for.

Before we’re all on “2nd Life”, remind people that the answer we’re all looking for is right in front of us, and yes, don’t be surprised when you’ve loved a woman or two along the way and your friends in the community say you look like a natural.

There’s a popular notion floating around among men that there are a few of us who have women completely figured out and that once they have that knowledge and skill they too will have the ability to attract and seduce any woman, anytime, anywhere. I’ve come to discover that it is impossible for any one man to do this… and why that’s great for every man for a good number of reasons.

When I was was younger I, like a-lot of guys, played a good deal of video-games. Even at an early age my male drive to conquer was strong. I would get a new game, play it until I had every last detail mastered and finally beat it, and I took a great deal of pleasure in that. Then if I played through the game again and beat it again and I’d enjoy it still, but not as much as that first time and even more than each subsequent time after. I’d get a new game and it was the same story and I wound up with a-lot of old games in my attic that I ended up donating to charity.

Men take this same approach to a vast multitude of things from sports and work, to playing an instrument and developing a palate for wine. We see a talent or intelligence we want to develop, work to master it, and,  if we have the perseverance, “beat the game” before moving on to a new one.

I major flaw in the thinking of many men in “the community” is to look at women in the same way that we look at any other puzzle we want to tackle. We think that if we put everything we have into it, study everything we can, and wrap our minds around the opposite sex we’ll master it and “beat” that game like we would any other one. Not only is this line of thinking one that would suck for any man if it were the case but it is one that, if true, would hold men back from achieving their greatest potential.

For starters, women are one game that I would never want to beat in the first place. If I really could take any girl home from the bar that I wanted and make any women I see on the street fall head over heels for me I  would eventually grow tired with it just like every other project in my life. Sure at first it would be extremely fun the first time I did it but every subsequent time afterward would become a bit less exciting as that first time until finally I’d simply prefer to go check out that new movie than to snap my fingers and have another girl panting heavily in my bed. If this were ever the situation I’d start to question if life was worth being lived by anyone.

One other important point to make: don’t be one of those guys who think that you “beat the game” simply by sleeping with a girl. If you’re celebrating because you achieved access to a vagina then you’re missing out on the very best of what women have to offer.

You will never “beat the game”. Every single woman is a freaking treasure trove. Some have more value to your situation than others but it is always a new amazing experience to look inside one and find all of the quirks and personality wrinkles that make them different than every other woman out there. Because there is so much diversity it would be impossible for any one man to have all of them “figured out”. Some women like taller men, some like them shorter. Some women are married, others homosexual. Some women prefer very masculine men, other’s prefer more feminine features, while every other one prefers some combination in the middle.

Not only will you never fully “master” women as a whole, but a truly great woman will be an infinite fount of new wonders and challenges all by herself. This not only is great news for anyone who plans on settling down but is also essential for men to become as close to perfection as we can on this plane of existence.

To go back to my geeky video game analogy, as I would play a particular game my experience would grow until I was proficient at it as possible. Because women are a never-ending fount of challenges they also offer us the infinite opportunity to gain more experience and improve ourselves.

In his best-selling novel, The Game, Neil Strauss spends the first two thirds of the book talking about all of his techniques and sexual adventures on his path to mastering “the game”. The final third of the book is a less sensational read as Neil spends more time talking about things other than crazy threesomes and women pulling him in bathrooms and is often an afterthought for men who want the type of success that he experienced in the first two thirds. I would argue though, that the real development that led him to become truly comfortable this part of his life can be found in that afterthought.

My favorite quote in that book comes from that final third and is as follows: “Men are not dogs. We merely think we are and, on occasion, act as if we are. But, by believing in our nobler nature, women have the amazing power to inspire us to live up to it.“ 

I began my own journey with that book and the amazing thing that happened was that what started as a quest to improve my abilities with women became a journey to become the best man I could possibly be. As a result I am more confident, patient, socially intelligent, strong, well-spoken, outgoing, and a million other little things that have changed every aspect of my life. 

If you are a man who is simply focused on “beating the game” you’re missing the purpose of the game in the first place.

Whether it be one woman or many women in your life, never harbor the idea that you will get this all taken care of like everything else in your life. Instead, be thankful that they are one thing in your life that you will never have mastered and that will always surprise you. When a women tests you, instead of feeling frustrated if you don’t know the right answer be thankful that you have been given and will continue to get opportunities to make yourself a better man. If you get shot down by a women at the bar, instead of beating yourself over the fact that you’re missing something, smile at the fact that you’ll never be able to attract and seduce every single one of them.

A video game can give you the minimal skill of being able to play it well and the minimal enjoyment of beating it. Women will always be new and exciting and offer you the ability to improve yourself until the day that you die. You will never beat “the game”, and thank God for that.

I’ll be honest, no matter where I go there are men who have much more money than me, have nicer cars, wear nice clothes, and can give a girl more material happiness, i.e. flying her down to Costa Rica for the weekend.

A lot of men try to play this game, try to impress a girl with material things. Here’s the thing: it works, plenty of women will sleep with you for these things. The problem is that unless you’re .01% of the population, there will always be a man who can give her more.  We call that the Bigger Better Deal.

I know I can’t even compete at that game, so I don’t play it. The game I choose to play is to show a girl that those things aren’t that important, that feeling amazing and having true passion in her romantic encounters is by far more important than those material things. The material things I provide are a nice compliment, but it’s not what defines me to her. This game I can win.

The high echelon social scene in modern cities reminds me very much of the scene painted in The Art of Seduction of France during the Renaissance. The stories highlight the adventures of notable rakes and seducers of the time. In almost every story, the woman involved is a beautiful woman of the upper class. These were women surrounded by the most affluent men in the country and used to being wooed by the “finer things in life”.

Rakes saw this opportunity and re-ignited the passion in the lives of these women. It’s no wonder these stories are as historically popular with woman as with men.

There are many beautiful wonderful women who have been surrounded constantly by men who play the material game and try to be the highest bidder for her attention. Don’t play that game because you can never really win. Instead, remind her of the more important things and unlock a passion and happiness that every woman deserves. Those material things are then a nice compliment when things start to get more serious.

Cheers,
Nick

Today I want to write about something that makes the difference when it comes to truly elite game.

But before you read another word, check out the Asian Rake’s post on believability from a couple months ago if you haven’t already. Also, as he states in his article, this is for more advanced game, so if your body language, vocal tonality, and frame aren’t strong, work on those things before moving on to this.

As the AR talks about in his post, once you’re a high value man, the major hurdle you must jump is getting a girl to truly believe that you are into her. Aside from specific techniques which are outlined in brilliant detail in his article, I’ve found that a major component in developing believability and a strong connection is being incredibly externally focused.

Before I go on, I’d like to give a large amount of credit for this post to Khiem over at Kiss N’ Tale for a wonderful conversation we had on the topic recently.

First off, you already know that you have to get out of your own head.

If you look at any man who is at at the top of his given profession, whether it be sales or basketball, one thing that you’ll notice is that when it comes to executing, he is not thinking about what he should be doing and is just doing. Before that point, he spends a ridiculous amount of time on his own professional improvement. The best salesmen spend their time reading books and constantly educating themselves on sales, and the best athletes spend countless hours practicing and thinking through the finer points in their respective game. When interviewed after an incredible performance, however, you’ll always find that what was going through their head wasn’t specifically what they should be doing, rather they were just doing.

Successfully attracting women is the same thing. I’ve spent countless hours studying everything I could get my hands on. So now, once I’m in “the field,” I’m not thinking about specifics of push-pull or screening. Instead, I’m putting faith in everything I’ve studied and keeping my focus on the moment.

If you’re rock climbing and told not to look down you’re going to look down. Similarly, if you’re told to get out of your head you’re going to stay right in your head. That is why your new emphasis should be on just the opposite, that is, staying externally focused.

What exactly do I mean by being externally focused? In everyday life, this can be applied to the way to look at the world. Let’s say for example you have to go run some errands. As you’re walking around, being internally focused would mean concentrating on the errands you have to run and whatever else pops into your mind. Having external focus involves taking time to soak in that big beautiful world around you. Are there any birds flying through the sky, are there anything interesting people or happenings littering the streets?

 When you see a beautiful women walking down the street, do    you immediately start to think about what your opener should  be how how your body language should look? Or are you  focused on what she is wearing, the way she is carrying herself,  the expression on her face, and any interesting things in the  world around you that you may be able to talk about?

 In a personal communication level, having external focus is  essential to having a successful conversation with anyone. Pick  up the book How to Win Friends and Influence People and  you’ll read of the importance of truly being focused on the  other person. When they are speaking, are you thinking of the  next thing to say and where you want to take the conversation  or are you lingering on every word and really trying to see the  world from the other persons point of view?

 When I am speaking to a woman, it is as if the rest of the world  doesn’t exist and it is just her and I trapped in a bubble. One  of the biggest problem I find myself facing is forgetting what  we were just talking about a moment ago because I am so  absorbed in the current conversation. This is a great problem  to have.

If you’re simply thinking about what routine to use next or what line you want to say then she will be able to pick up on this and your interaction and attraction to her will feel unbelievable and not genuine. If you are a high value man and have read the Asian Rake’s post then you will understand that you will find it hard to keep her attraction if this is the case.

So take the next several interactions you have to practice. Instead of thinking of what you say, be fully absorbed in the external world. Linger on her every word, try to see the world though her eyes as she speaks, notice the little differences in her facial expression and body language, make a deep eye contact connection, throw yourself completely into making it feel as though nothing exists in the world other than you and her.

If you do these things, she will really believe that you are as interested in her as you purport to be, and the result will be a dramatic difference in the amount of attraction and level of connection you have with this wonderful new woman in your life.

Whew, long break on the blogging (more on that to follow soon). To begin my phoenix-like rebirth on the www I’m going to digress slightly from the typical theme of my writing and talk about the makeup of a successful relationship. 

You may ask yourself why I’m doing this. Well, the reason is that Honey and Lance, owners of a very excellent blog, have invited me to participate in this contest.  With a $25 gift certificate on the line there’s no way I could say no. 

So… successful relationship advice: finding your soulmate; someone who is your equal; someone who challenges you; there for you no matter what; supportive; blah blah blah blah blah. We’ve all heard that stuff a million times and the problem with clichés  is that they lose their meaning. So how can we tackle this issue without saying what has been said a million times before?

I believe the best explanation for what makes a relationship successful can be found in looking at evolutionary psychology. I’ve spoke in other posts about Matt Ridley’s book The Red Queen and more specifically, the theories outlined on why women cheat. To summarize this again, women want both a strong lover to ensure her children will have good genes and be more likely to reproduce in following generations and also a comforting provider to ensure that her offspring will be provided for and supported. 

You always hear women say that they just want a “good guy”; someone nice and caring. Men typically respond that you’re all full of shit and that you only want assholes. I presume that Mr. Ridley would actually be on the ladies side on this one and I’m in his boat. Women do want a good guy, but that’s not all you want. You also need someone who ignites your fire. This is why you can’t get that charming guy you met at the bar out of your head even if you have a “nice guy” at home.

When I talk about this theory with women, a natural question arises, and therein lies the recipe for a successful relationship. That question, of course, is: Can a man be both the strong lover and the nurturing provider? I always answer that it is very possible… just not easy, which is why so many women are scratching their heads looking for a “great” guy.

If you have too much nice guy, then your evolutionary urges will be turning your eye toward the lover, and if you have too much lover, then you’ll be left emotionally empty looking for a nice guy for support. The trick is that a guy has to be a strong lover and push all of your hardwired hot-buttons that need to be pushed to fulfill those needs. At the same time though, you need this same person to develop into a provider. I’m not talking about wealth but moreso on an emotional level. Of course I make it sound much easier than it actually is. 

So how do you get a strong attractive lover to start settling down? Let’s go right back to The Red Queen for the answer. Believe it or not, most of the time men are looking for the exact same thing. On one hand we need someone that drives us wild with lust and passion. We want our offspring to have mating success in the next generation as well. This isn’t all about looks either. A girl has to keep us on our toes, act in a very sexy manner. The Hot Alpha Female has a great blog dedicated to advice on this.

On the flip side, we also enjoy some comforting and nurturing support… I mean, we’re only human and all. The big problem with this is that most of the time the strong lovers have up walls up against this and are hesitant to allow themselves to be supported emotionally and comforted by someone else. (Notice I said most lovers, not all of them) The tightrope women have to walk is maintaining this sexiness up long enough to get your lover to feel comfortable enough with you to start taking down some of those walls.

So how long should both men and women keep up their sexy side before falling into total niceness and comfort? The answer: forever and ever and ever. Ladies, if you’re no longer fulfilling this 5000 year old need in men then don’t even question it, he’s fucking his secretary. Guys, if you stop pushing those hot buttons that hooked her in the first place then don’t be surprised when your kid looks like the pool boy. Similarly, if both people aren’t having their emotional needs filled, you’ll still have some crazy sex but it’ll only be a matter of time before you get bored and want something shinier because the bond wasn’t strong enough.

Is this easy? Sometimes, however if a successful relationship was that easy then this contest wouldn’t be happening in the first place. If both people are fulfilling both sides of their partners’ desires though, therein lies the secret to a strong successful relationship.

I have just one final thought to leave you with. Some people may scoff because they just “fell in love” and lived happily ever after and think that love shouldn’t be this complicated. The thing I can promise you is that behind every one of these fairy tale romances, what I just described happened whether they were aware of it or not.    

I really felt the need to tackle this topic because of all of the information out there that I consider to be misguided. As of right now, the most common solution to this phenomenon is to “freeze out” the girl. More specifically, when the girl starts to hesitate to sleep with you, you are instructed to turn cold, stop all physical contact, and do something else, possibly check your email.

This method was developed by Neil Strauss and is  so prevalent because it actually works. Now, I have more respect for Neil than probably anyone else in the pickup community and in no way mean to disrespect anything he’s ever done; mainly because I have not contributed so much to nearly as many people has he has.

Here’s the problem I find with it though: although it works, I can’t help but find it kind of creepy and just don’t feel comfortable doing it. 

So how do I handle last minute resistance? The answer is, I don’t, and if I ever encounter it I feel as though I simply didn’t do a good enough job before she got into my bed in the first place.

What you have to do is build up enough sexual tension so that when you enter your bedroom, there isn’t a question on either of your minds what will be happening.

So how do you do this? First off, don’t forget that women are sexual beings. They want to feel sexy and be swept up in a whirlwind of romance and seduction as much as any man; the thing is that because of social constructs, many women feel uncomfortable leading things there. That is why it’s your job… as a man, to make sure this happens, otherwise she’ll just have to find a man who will. Simply showing that you’re comfortable discussing sexual topics and to do so is the easiest way to accomplish this. So ask about the best sex she’s ever had or her favorite place to be kissed. Of course make sure you have enough comfort with her before you do so but don’t be scared to talk about sex. As mature human beings it’s perfectly acceptable to do, despite what some of the things you’ve been told in your life tell you.

You also have to be direct with your intentions. The “freeze out” method is a perfect example of why I tend to stay away from “indirect game” as much as possible. It almost seems like you’re tricking her to come home with you. In that case of course she’s going to resist when you’re making advances.

One of my favorite things to drop in conversations is: “I have to tell you a secret. I just had a dirty thought about you.” and then of course to tell her what said thought was until later in the conversation when I feel the need to “sex it up” again. This is just a little example but the point is that you should be making her feel sexy and desired, the way any human being wants to feel. If you don’t make sure she knows with words or otherwise then she’ll start to question what it is you really want, and the more any person has to think about something the more of a chance it will rule you out to protect their own feelings. The human mind is a crazy thing.

Now you don’t want to talk like a guy, i.e. “I want to fuck you right now”. Instead, you want to sound more subtly descriptive like a guy in some chick romance novel, i.e. “I want to rip your clothes off and kiss every inch of your body”.

Girls love to talk about sex, probably more than any other thing. If you show them you’re perfectly comfortable with the subject and not some dirty perv who never has any, then they’ll appreciate talking to you about it.

The second half of this is making it clear that you’re the one who makes the decision . The whole idea of last minute resistance carries with it the frame that she is making the decision on whether or not you are having sex. This is flawed from the very get go. 

I’ll always say something like: “You can come sleep at my place, but don’t try any funny business.” The 5 date rule is another one of my favorites. I’ll tell her “I won’t sleep with a girl until the 5th date”. You want to let her know that you have standards, that you won’t just sleep with any girl, anytime, anywhere. Shit… while you’re at it, this may be a good time to start having standards with who you sleep with. 

Back at my place, I’ll advance a little, then tell her to slow down. This usually isn’t hard since by this point she’s doing more than her fair share of advancing. You have to get it to the point where you’re trying to stop everything from happening, but you just couldn’t help it any more because there was so much sexual magic in the air. Remember, the slower the seduction the more enjoyable it is for both of you. Often a time I won’t sleep with a girl because I know it will be so much more passionate if we wait. You shouldn’t need “another lay” to validate yourself here guys.

When she’s charged full of sexual energy, she knows that your a guy who is very much attracted to her, and  who’s main goal isn’t to have sex but to create the most amazing experience for both of you,  see how many times you’ll run into any last minute resistance as she tears your clothes off. 

We all know that guys face anxiety when approaching a girl, or approach anxiety.

I’ve spent some past posts on techniques on getting rid of it but just in case you need a bit extra, I want to throw some good old fashioned logic into the mix to give one more tool to further fight AA.

 You see a chick that you want to talk to and you have the choice to approach her or not.

If you approach her, 1 of 2 things can happen, either she blows you off or she actually  engages you in conversation. Now because she’s probably a polite person she’s probably not going to just blow you off. But let’s focus on the worst case scenario here. Worst case, she gives you a funny look like “why the hell are you talking to me”, and just to make it as bad as possible, let’s say she makes fun of you and calls you a loser and indicates you have a tiny penis as well.

As I mentioned before this probably won’t happen but let’s say it does. First off, if you have the right mindset going in as I illustrated in my previous post, who cares. You were just trying to be friendly and she’s the social reject who’s losing value for being such a crazy biaotch. You can always respond with a “is that really how you treat people… remind me not to bring my puppy around you” and the best part is that you’d be completely right.

Now let’s look at your other option. You don’t approach. The result, you’d just never know. You just missed the chance to give yourself a little practice, and potentially meet someone who you really clicked with. You also feed into that self-doubt cycle and thus made it more difficult to approach the next time. You’re suck with that “what if” thought that no one likes.

So here’s the point. Even if  you’ve run into that .1% chance where this worst case scenario actually happens, it’s still better than if you never approached in the first place. No matter what the outcome, playing the game is better than not playing at all.

You read the title correctly; it wasn’t a typo. And believe it or not, this post is actually about meeting women.

Think about your mindset when you go out. If you ever think to yourself, “There’s a 2 set. A hb9 and an hb7. I’m going to open with the jealous girlfriend opener, then neg the hb9, dhv, wait for ioi’s and then proceed with kino escalation”, then first off, are you a real person? Second of all, you’re hurting your chances of meeting beautiful women.  

Think about it for a second. Everyone out at the bar is just trying to have a good time, release some stress from the day or week, and maybe meet some cool people. You’re the guy trying to take advantage of this situation for your own exclusive benefit. Maybe you do get some hotties interested in you. Maybe you get their number, make out with them, or even take them home with you. You’re still that same guy, and there’s a good chance that continuing a fun relationship with this girl is a bit harder once you run out of techniques. 

The mindset you should be having is: “This is the best night of my life, I love the company of the people I’m with and I’m excited to meet new, interesting people so all of our lives can be enhanced.”

Let’s make a quick comparison and then we’ll talk more about exactly what I mean. Let’s say your goal for the night is to pick up women and you go to talk to a girl and she shoots you down… it happens. Then what’s the outcome? You just failed. Your value is lower, hers is higher. Now let’s pretend that your goal is to have a great time and be incredibly social. You go up to talk to that same girl, and she shoots you down again. Now what’s the outcome? You were just trying to make a new friend. She’s the anti-social weirdo, your value higher, hers lower.

When you go out with the mindset that you’re just having a great time and wanting to help everyone around you have the best time possible as well, then tons of amazing things start to happen. You’re the center of attention, every girls’ eyes will be on you wondering how they don’t know the person everyone else knows.

You’ll also meet some amazing people. Now because you made these people’s lives a bit better, they’re going to be excited to see you. The next time you run into them, they’ll get a big smile on their face and shake your hand or give you a hug… and maybe introduce you to their cute roommate who they brought out with you. Even if she couldn’t come out to play that night, other people will see this. These will be the new people whose nights you will make better by getting to know them. By the way, some of these people will be beautiful women, that’s just how the numbers work.

Keep this in mind: people are very intuitive. When someone talks to you, you know almost immediately if they’re out to get something from you or if they’re just a good person showing some love. People will get that same vibe off of you, and if you’re just out speading some positive energy they will be very thankful for it.

Now think about where you are. Instead of being that guy with his friend walking up to groups of women trying to get something from them, you’re the guy everyone knows, the one who everyone loves having around. If you were a woman who would you rather sleep with?

Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a benefit to using what you’ve learned from Neil Strauss, Mystery, and David DeAngelo. Those guys have taught me very valuable lessons. The point here is how you’re using what they’re teaching you. It’s that mindset that can make or break your success in the short term, but more-so in the long term.

You can apply this strategy to every part of game. Take phone game for example: When you’re calling a girl that you met out at the bar recently, you’re hurting yourself if you’re thinking, “my goal here is to bring her back to the fun conversation we had last night, and from there I will work to build more comfort before soliciting a second meeting with here”.

You’re much better off with the mindset of: “I had a great  time talking to this person last night and she obviously felt the same way or she wouldn’t have given me her number. I’m going to give her a call so we can both enjoy each other’s company again.” Now once again, it’s good to use some of the lessons you’ve already learned. Simply saying, “Hi, this is Nick from the bar last night. You probably don’t remember me but I wanted to maybe get together with you”, probably isn’t going to get you the results you want for either mindset, but the mindset here still matters.

 Remember, there a tons of amazing people out there, not because you need targets, but because they’re trying to enhance their lives. If you help them achieve this you will be universally loved. If not… well, at least you can get a kiss close here and there.