Could it really be that simple?

Could the answer to all of our consistency issues be right under our noses?

Why is it that sometime’s we can light up a room, while other times members of the opposite sex turn away in disinterest?

I’ll tell you the answer right now but I’ll have to explain myself for it to sink in. The difference between really connecting with people and not - the thing that every ‘natural’ is always doing in spades but can never quite put into words - is simply speaking the universal language.

Cliché tells us that love is the universal language, however this is only partially true and and isn’t helpful for people looking for the translation - the Rosetta Stone - so to speak.

I actually have to thank an old smoking habit for helping me stumble upon it. Quite a few times in college I had the pesky habit of bumming cigarettes. In fact, I did it so much that I got really good at it. I even developed my own little method.

Despite having the best method in the world, it became clear that whether or not I got a cigarette really depended on one thing:

You can try it yourself and get front row seats to the effects. First, go up to 10 people, ask them for a cigarette, and avoid eye contact and look indifferent. Next, go up to another 10 people, ask them for a cigarette - only this time look them directly in the eye and act although you are in intense pain and that they hold the key to your freedom.

Everyone reading this who’s ever been a smoker is with me on this.

When I look into the eyes of a smoker with a look on my face that he or she can fully relate to - that I really need a cigarette - they feel that same pain as they are reminded of their own times of distress. When they feel that pain and can’t help but want to relieve it in another.

Ages before complex systems of naming and describing objects came into human existence, humans beings were still communicating. Although the vast majority of us have an incredibly firm grasp over at least one of these systems, all of the communication that matters the most happens in the same way as it has for our entire existence of our humanity.

A quick look at an on-line thesaurus gives us over 30 words for ‘angry’, however if a 300lb man has the look on his face that says he’s pissed, everyone who gets even the quickest look at him is getting out of his way.

We need language to hammer out the fine details of a business contract, however how many people would actually do business with someone they didn’t trust, who didn’t give them the feeling that they had ulterior motives?

With that in mind, here’s how you always “get your openers to stick”:

The phrase, “you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake” has been around for awhile. More recently though, the phrase has been taken to advise that one should attempt to squeeze another person’s hand as firmly as possible to show how “confident” they are.

When you greet someone, you can tell a lot about them by their handshake, or more specifically, whenever they greet you in general. The ‘firmness’ of the greeting, however, isn’t how you can tell; even though a firm handshake will often happen as a byproduct.

You can tell this by looking right at the person to see if his eyes are meeting yours and if he has a look of warmth on his face. If you approach a woman, and they look at you and your eyes aren’t meeting hers (theirs) and you don’t have a look of warmth on your face, she will get the same feeling you get when you’re working with a person that you just don’t feel right about, you just don’t trust, and you decide not to work with him.

Let me make two things clear:

If you are thinking about your ‘opener’ when you approach a woman, or maybe just feeling shy, you will not be looking into her eyes, you will not have a warm expression on your face, and she’ll get that feeling that no human likes to feel.

If you start thinking about what to say during a conversation, or question whether or not she likes you, your eyes will drift, your face will become expressionless, and she will definitely get that feeling.

Plus there’s one more important factor to consider:

Women are much better at feeling this stuff than guys, and herein lies the apparent solution, and also the new problem.

On one hand - success in communication, in being charismatic or a ‘natural’, lies in your ability to express emotion vividly on your face and in turn make others feel that emotion. Without that, we’re merely self aware computers exchanging information; and the last thing a woman wants when she goes out is to exchange information - she wants to feel.

On the other hand, it’s never that simple.

Human beings, especially women, have a keen intuition for when someone has their own self interests in mind rather than hers. It’s the same as when you can just feel that a bad salesmen has his commission in mind as he’s talking to you.

It just feels off.

It’s not just selfish thinking that can give another person that feeling, it’s thinking about anything other than the person that you’re communicating with.

And you can’t just act like you’re feeling something for this to work. Try to look happy while you’re thinking negative thoughts, it’s just weird. You actually have to feel these things yourself for them not to trip her bullshit meter.

Of course again this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Often, when we’ve been hurt in the past, we don’t put ourselves ‘out there’ as much in order to reduce the risk of additional pain. One of the ways people do this is to become more soft spoken, and to withdraw emotion from their face when they speak and “act cool”.

Most of us found out at an early age that it doesn’t really sting when someone shoots down our words, but if we put our heart into something and get rejected, then there’s a pain that can make a child cry. As an adult, we are strong enough to take this pain, but many of us fear that it will be as bad as when we were still developing psychologically.

In order to relieve this anxiety, our society has made it increasingly easier to retreat from putting yourself out there.

Email and social networking sites are amazing advancements in communications and quite incredibly make our world much smaller. The problem arises however, when we use these technologies as a form of mental crutch to avoid actual human communication.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear about studies that show that the people who are the most active on Facebook often report feeling the loneliest.

As easy as it would be, we can’t simply blame Facebook. How many people that you work with on a day to day basis do you try to connect with, and how many do you shoot a couple passing words to without strong eye contact and a warm expression on your face?

If you don’t do it as a natural habit with everyone you meet, it’ll be even more awkward to try and do it with women.

Pay attention the next time you’re out at a bar and here’s what you’ll see:

There will be some people having a good time. They’re laughing, moving around, speaking at a higher decibel than everyone else, and looking each other in the eyes with genuine emotions that they’re definitely feeling on their faces.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll have people, usually around the outskirts of the ‘fun people’, who have that look on their face that they’re not quite ‘there’, that something’s on their mind, and that it’s probably not the most positive of things.

It’s easy to identify these people, their faces are are lacking all but forced acts of emotion, they’re not moving, even if they are talking to a friend they look as though they’re not really enjoying the conversation, they’re eyes are looking down more than at their friend, maybe they’re looking at their phone - not really to communicate with an absent friend, but simply to take their mind off of the anxiety they’re feeling.

The thing is that they came to the bar for the same reason as everyone else.

They want to be the ‘fun people’. Just about every person has been there before and it’s amazing. You’re having the best time, lighting up emotionally, talking more loudly, and of course attracting more of the opposite sex than ever before - you’re “in the zone”.

The next morning though, we’re usually a bit hungover, we know we just had the most amazing time the night before; the only problem is we can’t remember how to get that back. We search high and low, trekking out to the bar night after night - both men and women - and start drinking with our fingers crossed that it’s going to happen again, maybe with some lines that we believe will do the work of getting it back for us.

The thing is, we know how to get that feeling back, we’ve simply forgotten.

When we see a baby crying or smiling, only the most emotionally checked out people cant help but feel upset or happy, respectively. When we see genuine emotion in another person, we can’t help but feel the reflection of that emotion in ourselves, and we subconsciously drawn to those who make us feel positive emotions, and repelled by people who make us feel negative emotions.

Love-hate relationships are especially dangerous because they literally tear us apart.

Now here’s the fun effect of all of this:

By looking straight into another person’s eyes with genuine emotion while focusing strongly on her emotions - unless she’s feeling an equally strong negative emotion - you will cause her to feel that emotion and  subconsciously become more drawn to you. If you don’t, she won’t. This should clear up any questions routine guys have as to why they’re having inconsistency issues. Sometime’s she’s feeling you, literally, sometimes she’s not.

Upon first developing this ancient skill, one will often feel awkward or clumsy with it, as with any other skill they would develop. With practice though, things slow down.

People will say that you give off this energy, and it’s as if you can read their mind, probably better than they can read their own.

It’s what every natural is doing without knowing it - and through this development than one can become a natural.

Because it is a skill that, like any other, takes practice; one should practice as much as possible. Start with family, friends, co-workers, people at the corner store, everyone. Soon people that have known you forever will be saying those words that we all love to hear:

“There’s something different about you”.

When you go to the bar, instead of scanning the bar for an ‘HB9′ that you can approach in 3 seconds or less, get in a circle with your friends and do what we at The Social Man affectionally call the ‘bro circle’. Whether there’s 2 or 10 of you start emoting. Remember, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, so make sure that everyone is pulling the line. Talk at a higher decibel, move around, talk with your hands, have looks of genuine expression on your faces and look each other in the eye.

The great thing about this is half the time, you forget about the bro circle and actually have fun with your friends when one of you remembers this story you forgot to tell - by acting as though you have emotion you’ll actually feel the emotion. Try smiling for a minute and not feel happy.

Then you’ll start to notice the looks.

All of the girls that are around the periphery will start emoting, themselves.

They’ll talk more loudly, move more, have more expression on their faces, and yes, start to glance in your direction. They now want you to approach them.

They probably don’t rationalize what just happened. But they felt a little hint of that feeling they all came to the bar in the first place to feel, and they’re drawn to it.

Don’t get me wrong, social skills in approaching strangers and escalating interactions are very important skills to develop, and that’s why we’ve developed ‘Say Hello’ and ‘Irresistible’, however if you’re not developing this universal skill that will allow you to powerfully communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere, then you’ll always face inconsistencies in your interactions.

Also, don’t be surprised that when, through tapping into this, you re-realize your infinite power to strongly connect with anyone, and things start going much better in every other aspect of your life.

As you begin to pay attention to everyone again, you’ll notice that the majority of us are a bit withdrawn and often appear anxious or lost. There is no better time to remind people of what we are all looking for.

Before we’re all on “2nd Life”, remind people that the answer we’re all looking for is right in front of us, and yes, don’t be surprised when you’ve loved a woman or two along the way and your friends in the community say you look like a natural.

Christian started an excellent discussion here and I couldn’t help but jump in on it.

The main thing I want to do here is give some guidance on how to react if you find yourself in a situation where a girl is using one of these “sneaky dating tricks” on you so that you don’t fall victim to it yourself.

To prep this, I want to say that not every girl will do this stuff. I have been lucky to meet many wonderful women who are very genuine and if you look at everything they say to you as some sort of trick or test then you will be playing yourself right out of their dating lives.

Moreover, there are guys out there who say, “well I just don’t want to play games, and I don’t want a girl who plays games”. Here’s the thing guys: a very large number of girls do set up tests. The simple reason is that a woman of high value has a lot of people pulling here in many different directions, and she has to set up a system that makes it easier for her to decide how to allocate her time. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day for her to spend time with everyone who desires her company.

Now when a guy says, “I don’t like games”, what I’ve found he really means is, “I don’t like losing games”. Face it, if you won all of the games and tests that girls put forward you won’t have the distaste for them that a-lot of guys express. So with that in mind, here’s how you can identify when a girl is using these “tricks” and how to respond appropriately.

The neediness card:

You’ll hear all sorts of stories - about how she’s been hurt, about how lonely she is, about her unfulfilled sex life, about something she wants to do with which you can help… and they’re all meant to trigger that desire in a man to provide for and take care of a woman.  Some women do it subtly, others are more direct: I know (but am not friends with) a girl who told a guy with whom she was living that her mom had died and that she needed to go to the funeral.  She went to see her other boyfriend instead.  99% of girls aren’t this crazy, but the neediness card accounts for a lot of second-guessing that we as men do.  “Maybe I should call her again, maybe if she sees that I really like her she’ll feel comfortable turning to me.”

As Christian points out, girls play this one in order to trigger your “provider” instincts. Guys hear this and think, “wow, I can show this girl how much I care by offering my sympathy and she’ll like me”. Big pitfall.

When you’re first getting to know a girl, never ever ever fall into the roll of councilor/shoulder she can cry on. Of course as your relationship grows stronger feel free to support her in whichever way you choose, but in the beginning your asking for trouble. I’m reminded of a great line from the one and only David D which is something like, “I have full confidence that you’re strong enough to handle this”. That’s it, change the subject to something more fun, and throw up a point for yourself.

Making future plans:

When she spends time with a guy, she talks about all the things she’d like to do with him.  Girls with good game like to suggest a lot of plans quickly, from jogging dates to how quickly they want to see him again to cultural experiences they would enjoy together.  And girls with really good game will make those plans match up to interests and hobbies of the guy’s.  As a man, its hard not to fall for it.  “Wow, this girl LIKES me!  And I didn’t even have to work too hard for it.”  It can come subtly, as in “Yeah, there’s this play I’ve been wanting to check out,” or it can be more direct, like “So would you want to go see this play next week?”  And hey, sometimes its genuine.  But other times it is very calculated. You don’t know until you start to get a better picture of the girl.

Its funny that Christian brought this one up because I actually use it myself all the time and never really thought about it. Why? Because shit, it works. Don’t let it work on you. (Note to any women reading this: I still completely mean it when I say it to you).

For starters, I truly believe that when a woman says this she’s actually not playing any trick, but rather really wants to do what she says at the time, however time and other things pop up and other things fill up her priorities and suddenly what she says at that moment isn’t reflected in her new state of mind.

So, the first thing that one has to do is identify whether this was just something said in the passing moment or if she really wants to do this. When you’re discussing these plans at first, go right along with them. Talk about how you can’t wait to do this stuff, and paint a vivid picture of the event and how much fun it will be for both of you.

Now comes the moment of truth. In your next text/phone convo, casually bring up the event that you spoke of. If you were planning on attending a rodeo, say, “I hope you know I’ve been practicing my bull-riding and you’re going to be amazed when you see these skills”. If you were going to see Batman, you can drop something along the lines of, “I saw that the lines for Batman on the IMAX are finally starting to die down, thank goodness”.

So, you throw this little tidbit out, and then gauge her response. If she responds with the same enthusiasm as your first discussion on the subject, then go ahead and get those movie tickets. If she kind of brushes it off, then just drop the subject and never touch it again unless she’s the one to bring it up.

Side note: if she does flake on this one a great thing to do is simply see the movie or do whatever anyway, and then the next time she asks what you’ve been up to you can inform her of your recent activities. She’ll usually get a bit irritated that you did that without her (don’t worry, she knows it’s bullshit). You can just tell her that you wanted to see/do it with he but that she’s just been kind of busy lately and that you’ll make it up to her very soon. Great way to win this game. Chalk up another point for yourself.

The apologetic flake:

I have seen this play out several times, and I have a good friend who is just masterful at this and who brought it into sharp focus.  She’s an attractive girl and she works on a trading desk, so she’s legitimately busy and has painfully early mornings.  From time to time, she just doesn’t feel like going on the date she has scheduled.  The guy isn’t that interesting to her, or another social event popped up, whatever…  So she’ll flake at the last minute, but she’ll offer her profuse apologies.  Sometimes these are interlaced with statements meant to inspire sympathy (”I slept like 2 hours last night, I’m barely functioning, I hate my job”), but in almost all cases, she attempts to lock the guy into rescheduling right there on the phone by telling him how excited she is to see him and how “seriously,” she can’t wait to hang out because they’re going to have such a good time.

This one’s simple. You just have to let her know that you’re just as busy as she is and your time can’t be allocated at her whims. If she’s apologizing and trying to reschedule for some other time; you’re busy. I don’t care if you’re plans for that Thursday night are to sit on your couch, watch Family Guy and eat Cheetos, you have plans and unfortunately can’t see her.

Now, if she really starts pushing the makeup date, ie “what are you doing Thursday night? Oh, ok, what about Friday? what about Saturday?”, then we’re drifting into genuine apology and interest and should be treated accordingly. If she keeps pushing, then you’re still busy on Thursday, but Saturday or Sunday you may have some time open and would love to see her.

Remember, if she does flake, the worst thing you can do is get noticeably annoyed with her. Simply say, “It’s really not a big deal, I actually have to run and (insert fun other thing) anyway. We’ll hang out soon.” Then excuse yourself and walk away. Wait at least 3 days without word from her to get back to her.

Of course the tests and tricks girls use are as numerous as the stars in the sky. Just keep in mind that she’s giving you the opportunity to prove that you’re a strong, high-value man. Relish in these opportunities and you’ll be happy that you have the company of a high-value women who won’t settle for just anyone’s time.

The title of this post may be a bit misleading as my favorite opener isn’t really something you say at all, but rather what we at The Social Man call a pre-opener. That is something that you do before you even strike up a conversation that will maximize your chances of having a successful one. 

It all starts out with your confidence and body language. You have to be beaming confidence, standing up straight, moving as if you’re not in any hurry at all, and possess a smirk on  your face like you know something no one else does (credit: David D). More importantly, you must strive to make eye contact with everyone you’re moving past.

Once you are  doing this consistently and naturally, you will be amazed at how many people return the contact and hold it. Now you don’t want to be creepy, so here’s what I do. If it’s a guy, give him a nod and move on (unless that’s who you’re looking to attract of course). Now, if it’s a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll do some sort of pre-opener. Some examples of these are as follows:

1. Shift from my smirk to a somewhat puzzled look. It’s the look you get on your face when you either recognize the person from somewhere but can’t remember where or the look you have when you wonder why someone’s staring at you. I then simply walk up to her  while holding this look and say either, “wait, where do we know each other from?”, or “I’m sorry, you looked exactly like a friend of mine”, or “do we know each other?”. Then conversation starts as normal.

2. If I’m in a playful mood I’ll shift from my smirk to a scowl, like I’m playfully mad at her. 9 times out of 10 she’ll return that scowl. I’ll respond with a laugh and go talk to her as she’s won me over with her fun playfulness.  

3. Really the possibilities are endless. You can mouth “I love you” with a laugh, give her a wink and a point, or stick your tongue out. Get creative, have fun with it and you’ll see some great responses which will make it hard for you not to start a conversation.

If I could only survive on one opener for the rest of my life this would be the one. As long as your vibe and energy are on it’s easy.

Let’s start with some fun openers:

First, here’s a basic one that I’ve used with some great success. I’m sure that this one or a close variant of it has been brought up before but, eh… whatever. You and your friend are discussing something and need some outside help, so of course you go to the large group of attractive girls to get it. The question, what is hotter, boxers or boxer briefs?

Certainly didn’t take a genius to some up with that and I’m not expecting anyone to be blown away. But this works for a couple reasons. First of all, you can rule out briefs altogether as most women (for the time being) aren’t really into them. Second of all, I’ve found that women are truly torn on this , and 99% of the time you will create good discussion within the group of girls on the topic… kind of like Sex in the City.

Next, I got this one from my wing and it works wonderfully for large groups of girls, usually 5 or more. He simply goes up to the group sitting at a table, kind of lean on the table without saying much, make eye contact so they that are all thinking, ‘who the hell is this guy and what is he doing here’, and then delivers, “so which one of you is getting married?” After they show a bit of confusion he continues, “with all of you girls out together I figured it must be a bachelorette party or something”. Girls laugh, open up. Simple.

Finally, the no talking opener. I was walking to the bathroom and make eye contact with an attractive blonde. I give her a pursed lip look like I’m suspicious of her, then form a slight smirk on my face. At this point she grabs me and starts making out with me right in the middle of the bar.

Now, I use the “no talking opener” to highlight a point because frankly, that’s not going to get the same results consistently, not even for me.  The point is that it really doesn’t matter what opener you use if your body language and tone of voice aren’t on par. As I’m sure most of you have heard, non-verbal communication is 93% of our communication. 93 f-ing %. That means that what you say matters little compared to how you say it.

The last point I want to make is that you have to be genuinely interested in what you’re talking about. Approaching a girl with a topic that you’re genuinely interested greatly affects your non-verbals compared to using a canned line you read on a website. The boxers/boxer briefs line was so effective because my friend and I were just discussing it so we came off as being genuinely interested in their answer. A student asked me how many days he should wait to call a girl. I told him to ask the experts and he had staggering results with the women he asked.

The vast majority of openers I use are spontaneous things that just happen to be mind at the time or something obvious that I infer about them or the environment that I want to talk about. Don’t be the guy sitting around talking about beautiful girls at the bar. Those guys never go home with those girls. Instead be the guy talking about something fun and interesting that will appeal to those women.

It’s good to be the guy who knows everyone. Good to be that guy who walks into a place and seems to own it. One guy who is always good to know is the bartender. When you walk up to a crowded bar and get your drinks immediately and chat with the guy serving them it’s much easier to open a conversation with the cute girl who is still waiting.

So how do you establish this type of rapport with such a prestigious person? As a former bartender I have some words to share on getting in good with the man who will help you be that much more VIP, and thus that much more attractive to the opposite sex.

The best way to become a familiar face is to pick out whichever bar you want to be known at and start frequenting it during the less than busy times. Go in on a weekday when you’d be one of the only people at the bar and start doing this regularly.

Start with some small talk and also when he or she asks you what you want, ask what their specialty is. Bartenders love it when you treat them like an expert.

It’s also good to have a regular drink. Often, he won’t remember your name but he will remember your face and if you have a drink tied to that face even better. Plus, when it’s busy, you’ll often get a drink handed to you without even asking.

On those slow days, introduce yourself to the bartender, and remember his name. Saying, “Hey Jimmy, good to see you again” goes a long way. Of course tipping well goes without saying.

Another thing bartenders love is that when the bar is busy and someone orders something, just say, “can you make that two?” It’s easy to make a 2nd of something if he’s already making 1 and the fact that you’re saving him an extra trip to the well will be appreciated.

One more thing, if you order a round of shots, always ask the bartender if he/she wants one. A little consideration goes a long way. 

Women have very keen social senses and are fully aware of who knows who. Plus, don’t be surprised if you get a free drink every now and again as well. 

You read the title correctly; it wasn’t a typo. And believe it or not, this post is actually about meeting women.

Think about your mindset when you go out. If you ever think to yourself, “There’s a 2 set. A hb9 and an hb7. I’m going to open with the jealous girlfriend opener, then neg the hb9, dhv, wait for ioi’s and then proceed with kino escalation”, then first off, are you a real person? Second of all, you’re hurting your chances of meeting beautiful women.  

Think about it for a second. Everyone out at the bar is just trying to have a good time, release some stress from the day or week, and maybe meet some cool people. You’re the guy trying to take advantage of this situation for your own exclusive benefit. Maybe you do get some hotties interested in you. Maybe you get their number, make out with them, or even take them home with you. You’re still that same guy, and there’s a good chance that continuing a fun relationship with this girl is a bit harder once you run out of techniques. 

The mindset you should be having is: “This is the best night of my life, I love the company of the people I’m with and I’m excited to meet new, interesting people so all of our lives can be enhanced.”

Let’s make a quick comparison and then we’ll talk more about exactly what I mean. Let’s say your goal for the night is to pick up women and you go to talk to a girl and she shoots you down… it happens. Then what’s the outcome? You just failed. Your value is lower, hers is higher. Now let’s pretend that your goal is to have a great time and be incredibly social. You go up to talk to that same girl, and she shoots you down again. Now what’s the outcome? You were just trying to make a new friend. She’s the anti-social weirdo, your value higher, hers lower.

When you go out with the mindset that you’re just having a great time and wanting to help everyone around you have the best time possible as well, then tons of amazing things start to happen. You’re the center of attention, every girls’ eyes will be on you wondering how they don’t know the person everyone else knows.

You’ll also meet some amazing people. Now because you made these people’s lives a bit better, they’re going to be excited to see you. The next time you run into them, they’ll get a big smile on their face and shake your hand or give you a hug… and maybe introduce you to their cute roommate who they brought out with you. Even if she couldn’t come out to play that night, other people will see this. These will be the new people whose nights you will make better by getting to know them. By the way, some of these people will be beautiful women, that’s just how the numbers work.

Keep this in mind: people are very intuitive. When someone talks to you, you know almost immediately if they’re out to get something from you or if they’re just a good person showing some love. People will get that same vibe off of you, and if you’re just out speading some positive energy they will be very thankful for it.

Now think about where you are. Instead of being that guy with his friend walking up to groups of women trying to get something from them, you’re the guy everyone knows, the one who everyone loves having around. If you were a woman who would you rather sleep with?

Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a benefit to using what you’ve learned from Neil Strauss, Mystery, and David DeAngelo. Those guys have taught me very valuable lessons. The point here is how you’re using what they’re teaching you. It’s that mindset that can make or break your success in the short term, but more-so in the long term.

You can apply this strategy to every part of game. Take phone game for example: When you’re calling a girl that you met out at the bar recently, you’re hurting yourself if you’re thinking, “my goal here is to bring her back to the fun conversation we had last night, and from there I will work to build more comfort before soliciting a second meeting with here”.

You’re much better off with the mindset of: “I had a great  time talking to this person last night and she obviously felt the same way or she wouldn’t have given me her number. I’m going to give her a call so we can both enjoy each other’s company again.” Now once again, it’s good to use some of the lessons you’ve already learned. Simply saying, “Hi, this is Nick from the bar last night. You probably don’t remember me but I wanted to maybe get together with you”, probably isn’t going to get you the results you want for either mindset, but the mindset here still matters.

 Remember, there a tons of amazing people out there, not because you need targets, but because they’re trying to enhance their lives. If you help them achieve this you will be universally loved. If not… well, at least you can get a kiss close here and there. 

Do you ever stop to think to yourself: “What should I say to open this set?” or, “What is she thinking about me right now?”

If these thoughts ever cross your mind, you are setting yourself up for failure before you even approach. Why? Because you can learn every great opener, have tons of routines down, and know the right answer to every shit test out there, but if you don’t have the right mindset and frame going in, it’s all worthless. Women want a guy that’s so confident in himself that it shouldn’t matter to him what she thinks. 

 So I could end the post right here and leave you all thinking, “thanks a fucking lot for that info Nick” while rolling your eyes. The reason being is that it’s not that easy to not care about the outcome. Men have to deal with approach anxiety and thousands of years of evolutionary DNA sabotaging us by telling us that we should care.

So here’s how to fix it. Get together with your favorite friend or go it alone, and have a “bombing night”. Make it the point to strike out with as many sets as possible, all the while not caring one way or another what they think.

I did this for the first time with a client last night and the results were incredible. For starters, we had the most fun either of us could remember having. We danced like retards and loudly sang along with the music. As my client opened and bombed more and more sets, it became more and more apparent to him that it really didn’t matter. There’s a million girls out there.

Another great thing happened. We got more and more creative with our openers. At first we started with “I think you’re pretty but I’m really shy and I just wanted to tell you that. I’m going to go now”. He came up with the brilliant line of, “I’ve got this rash forming and was wondering if any of you had any advice”. We would go up to random guys and ask them what we should say to bomb. The most creative of this was to offer a beautiful young girl money for sexual favors.

As I pointed out to him, not only were we having the best time there, but we were also by far the most social people there. Openers just started working even if we didn’t want them to. It’s easy to come up with something to say if you don’t care about the results; if you just do it for you.

I saw a more dramatic shift in the vibe, energy, and confidence in my client than I’ve ever experienced before. So go out and bomb- and have your best night ever 

Here’s another move that was used with very good success last night.

Now normally I don’t advocate this, but walk up to a girl, and start with a compliment. If she has great hair, compliment her on her hair. Great eyes, compliment on the eyes, mouth, ears, ass, etc. Make sure it’s some physical quality of hers. 

Here’s the catch: Have the frame that you’re only interested in her for her hair, eyes, mouth, whatever. Kind of like you’re just using her to get to her best feature. 

For example. “You have ridiculously beautiful hair. I mean, you’re nice and all, but I’m really only interested in your hair. I’d like to take it out sometime. Can you ask your hair a question for me? I’d like to take your hair out to a nice dinner and maybe some dancing. Is there any way that I can set something up with just your hair? Oh… well I guess you can tag along if you’d like, I just hope you don’t mind being the third wheel…”

Possibilities endless. And you don’t say this all at once, but rather, drop another line every so often in the conversation- almost like you can’t help it. If she’s younger you can even channel some Ron Burgundy (you have a magnificent heiny) for added humor. 

The tone in this frame is a very playful one…  like you’re out to entertain yourself more than anything. You can’t do this seriously, otherwise you’ll be a guy who collects hair in his closet. Of course you still have to make other conversation and not be a one-trick-pony. But if done correctly, you’re coming off as a fun, playful guy who is different than any other man out there. 

Big added bonus: I did this last night and now have a “Carrie’s Hair” saved in my phone. How easy will it be to recreate a fun vibe when I call her asking if her hair is available?