I’ve heard talk on both sides on whether or not the pickup community is advancing our generation of men forward or keeping us from realizing our fullest potential as a gender. On one hand you could look at the thousands of men who have benefitted, gotten that portion of their life handled, and moved on to have amazing relationships with women they’ve previously only dreamed about.

On the other hand, I regularly scan different forums and message boards and am distraught to find so many men who have been in this space for so long without achieving the results, and even worse to occasionally find what Neil Strauss called “social robots”, or as I see it, men who become borderline obsessed with this community and, through making this the primary focus of their lives, never stop to see the big picture and remain trapped under a glass ceiling, jumping from guru to guru hoping to find the guy who can break it for them. After noticing this pattern for so long it really made me question whether everything we were doing was ultimately moving our generation of men forward or ultimately holding us  back from achieving the full potential that all men possess.

This question was finally put into a context that allowed me to understand the answer to it after a conversation with Christian on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. For those individuals who never took an intro to psychology class in college or who need a quick refresher, in 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed that all human beings have similar needs, and that more basic needs must be satisfied in order for human beings to progress and be able to work on satisfying what he ranks as higher needs. Just as with any psychological theory there are objections to this one, however for the purposes of answering my initial question Maslow’s theory proves quite convenient and insightful.

What he initially detailed in his paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation” has since been represented by a pyramid, in which the more basic human need rest at the bottom with each level of “higher” needs resting on top.

As the diagram illustrates, Maslow ranked basic physiological needs at the very bottom. His theory was that if these basic needs are not met, then it is nearly impossible for a human being to focus on other aspects of his life and further develop. Similarly, if you have the needs on the bottom of the pyramid covered, then a person must then satiate the needs on the 2nd level before he can progress to higher levels and ultimately to the top, in which a man can focus on developing himself to his fullest potential and maximizing his fullest potential.

By simply looking at the bottom of the pyramid, it is difficult to argue with Maslow’s theory. If you haven’t eaten anything for several days, it is nearly impossible to focus on your career before you have a bite to eat. If you haven’t slept in several days, studies have shown that the human body and mind starts to deteriorate, which I would assume makes it hard to focus on anything else before ‘crashing’ hard and getting that much needed rest.

Right along side of sleep and food, Maslow places the physiological need for sex. Evolutionary psychologists have long argued that basically everything we do as human beings are a result of evolutionary development which gives the highest priority to passing along our genes to future generations. The obvious conclusion to this is that if a man does not receive regular sex or at least has the knowledge and resources to obtain sex if he so chooses, then evolutionarily speaking, he is a failure and it’s no wonder that Maslow would conclude that without sex or the capabilities to obtain it that it would be very difficult to focus on satiating any “higher” needs, including the need to achieve our fullest potential, whatever that may be.

It is this knowledge that makes it no surprise that the pickup community has become the growing industry that it is today. I know from past experience how utterly depressing it can be to look at the opposite sex and have no idea how to get the slightest bit of attraction from them. With that part of my life needing drastic fixing, it was only natural that I would become completely drawn, like so many other men in this space, to getting this handled once and for all.

So what does Maslow’s hierarchy of needs teach us about why I, along with many others was able to get this handled and why so many other men continue to struggle?

The reason I believe that so many men hit that glass ceiling and become “social robots” or just plain frustrated is that people lose sight of the fact that this need for sex is only at the bottom of the pyramid. Because of the glamorization of ‘gurus’ who do so well with women, it is natural to see why some men, struggling with this frustration which makes it hard to focus on higher needs, would look at this stuff and see it as the ultimate evolution, as the final thing they need in their lives in order to feel complete and have the ideal life that they’d always dreamed of.

As Maslow’s work demonstrates though, ultimate fulfillment in one’s life cannot be found in the community, and anyone who believes that they will find all of the answers there will come up empty on the other end. Because of this, it’s no surprise when a man who put all of his eggs in this basket is struggling 3 years into it, hopping from guru to guru, and searching for the answers that none of us can provide through pickup alone.

So is the pickup community to blame in all of this? The glamorization of it all has been a bit much, in my opinion, however it’s difficult for me to ever remember hearing someone promising anything other than being able to get this one particular aspect of your life handled.

While this is in no way a mature industry and we are all still finding the perfect recipe, I believe that the positives of the community are ultimately a very positive step for the development of this generation.

Boiled down, pickup is simply one other form of self improvement. Because of the state of our society in today’s day and age, hundreds of thousands of men are struggling with this portion of their lives. The community has helped, and through further development will continue to help men finally eliminate this basic need and focus on higher needs on the path to personal fulfillment. Would so many men have been able to get this handled without the knowledge the community has developed? My money would be on no.

A problem then arises when men lose sight of the fact that sexual competency is a basic need, and not the end all be all that so many people think it is. Now, certain aspects of the community have given credibility to this limiting mindset, but so has popular music, television, and movies which often glamorize sex as the highest peak that men can achieve.

As with many other things though, the final responsibility, and the ensuing success or failure ultimately falls on the individual. Men already realize, just as I and Abraham Maslow did, that this is an area that they must get handled in order to reach the ultimate fulfillment and happiness that we all want in our lives, and luckily the community and similar resources are available to help men achieve this.

What men have to also realize though, is that this need is only a basic part of what a man requires for that fulfillment. He must realize that all of the answers cannot be found in a bootcamp or in the latest routines and openers.

Sex or the ability to obtain it can be as basic a need as food and sleep, but it is ultimately we as men who must realize that this community is simply a stepping stone which can be used to cross this river, and not the final step on the path to a man reaching his fullest potential and happiness.

There’s a popular notion floating around among men that there are a few of us who have women completely figured out and that once they have that knowledge and skill they too will have the ability to attract and seduce any woman, anytime, anywhere. I’ve come to discover that it is impossible for any one man to do this… and why that’s great for every man for a good number of reasons.

When I was was younger I, like a-lot of guys, played a good deal of video-games. Even at an early age my male drive to conquer was strong. I would get a new game, play it until I had every last detail mastered and finally beat it, and I took a great deal of pleasure in that. Then if I played through the game again and beat it again and I’d enjoy it still, but not as much as that first time and even more than each subsequent time after. I’d get a new game and it was the same story and I wound up with a-lot of old games in my attic that I ended up donating to charity.

Men take this same approach to a vast multitude of things from sports and work, to playing an instrument and developing a palate for wine. We see a talent or intelligence we want to develop, work to master it, and,  if we have the perseverance, “beat the game” before moving on to a new one.

I major flaw in the thinking of many men in “the community” is to look at women in the same way that we look at any other puzzle we want to tackle. We think that if we put everything we have into it, study everything we can, and wrap our minds around the opposite sex we’ll master it and “beat” that game like we would any other one. Not only is this line of thinking one that would suck for any man if it were the case but it is one that, if true, would hold men back from achieving their greatest potential.

For starters, women are one game that I would never want to beat in the first place. If I really could take any girl home from the bar that I wanted and make any women I see on the street fall head over heels for me I  would eventually grow tired with it just like every other project in my life. Sure at first it would be extremely fun the first time I did it but every subsequent time afterward would become a bit less exciting as that first time until finally I’d simply prefer to go check out that new movie than to snap my fingers and have another girl panting heavily in my bed. If this were ever the situation I’d start to question if life was worth being lived by anyone.

One other important point to make: don’t be one of those guys who think that you “beat the game” simply by sleeping with a girl. If you’re celebrating because you achieved access to a vagina then you’re missing out on the very best of what women have to offer.

You will never “beat the game”. Every single woman is a freaking treasure trove. Some have more value to your situation than others but it is always a new amazing experience to look inside one and find all of the quirks and personality wrinkles that make them different than every other woman out there. Because there is so much diversity it would be impossible for any one man to have all of them “figured out”. Some women like taller men, some like them shorter. Some women are married, others homosexual. Some women prefer very masculine men, other’s prefer more feminine features, while every other one prefers some combination in the middle.

Not only will you never fully “master” women as a whole, but a truly great woman will be an infinite fount of new wonders and challenges all by herself. This not only is great news for anyone who plans on settling down but is also essential for men to become as close to perfection as we can on this plane of existence.

To go back to my geeky video game analogy, as I would play a particular game my experience would grow until I was proficient at it as possible. Because women are a never-ending fount of challenges they also offer us the infinite opportunity to gain more experience and improve ourselves.

In his best-selling novel, The Game, Neil Strauss spends the first two thirds of the book talking about all of his techniques and sexual adventures on his path to mastering “the game”. The final third of the book is a less sensational read as Neil spends more time talking about things other than crazy threesomes and women pulling him in bathrooms and is often an afterthought for men who want the type of success that he experienced in the first two thirds. I would argue though, that the real development that led him to become truly comfortable this part of his life can be found in that afterthought.

My favorite quote in that book comes from that final third and is as follows: “Men are not dogs. We merely think we are and, on occasion, act as if we are. But, by believing in our nobler nature, women have the amazing power to inspire us to live up to it.“ 

I began my own journey with that book and the amazing thing that happened was that what started as a quest to improve my abilities with women became a journey to become the best man I could possibly be. As a result I am more confident, patient, socially intelligent, strong, well-spoken, outgoing, and a million other little things that have changed every aspect of my life. 

If you are a man who is simply focused on “beating the game” you’re missing the purpose of the game in the first place.

Whether it be one woman or many women in your life, never harbor the idea that you will get this all taken care of like everything else in your life. Instead, be thankful that they are one thing in your life that you will never have mastered and that will always surprise you. When a women tests you, instead of feeling frustrated if you don’t know the right answer be thankful that you have been given and will continue to get opportunities to make yourself a better man. If you get shot down by a women at the bar, instead of beating yourself over the fact that you’re missing something, smile at the fact that you’ll never be able to attract and seduce every single one of them.

A video game can give you the minimal skill of being able to play it well and the minimal enjoyment of beating it. Women will always be new and exciting and offer you the ability to improve yourself until the day that you die. You will never beat “the game”, and thank God for that.